215: Pickleball Rage and Other Bad Decisions

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It began long ago, two young boys in an American town riding their bikes to school and Little League practice. Over the years, the boys became fast friends, united in their love for stories where things would go horribly wrong. Pour yourself a strong beverage and buckle up. You're in the Shallow End with Schnebly and toth. Episode number 215 of the Shallow End with Schnebly and Toth. And once again, I am reminded, thanks to my good friend Jethro's patience, that the microphone and mixer have to be turned on in order for me to actually record any audio. How long we've been doing this? Lynn's how many decades now has it been? Yeah, yeah. I think the thing is that when we were working together in radio, particularly doing mornings, that the overnight, you know, talent had already left everything turned on so I didn't have to worry. Right, Right. Yeah. That's my excuse. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I was the one running the board, so you didn't have to worry about turning the mic on. I didn't have to worry about any of that technical crap. I could just sit down opposite you and try and be hilariously funny. Well, you were too. And one of the, one of the most distinct memories I have, we were having a discussion about how physiologically guys want to go to sleep after they've had sex, you know, and you said, yeah, and I feel bad about that. That's why I keep the harmonica on my nightstand. Couple of rounds of green sleeves and I'm new, man. Wow. I don't even remember saying that. Oh, it was one of the highlights of my career. Yeah. I gotta Write that down. That's good. That was. That's some good material. Thank you, Jethro. You're welcome. You know, we are coming up on the 4th of July, America's 250th birthday, and I thought we would explore something along those lines. Something that's not uniquely American by any stretch of the imagination, but lately, maybe we're more of a prime example of it now. There are stupid people everywhere. I'm just gonna say that. But that's why we have the show. As of late, America has really upped its game. So these are. I found this on buzzfeed, and the article is called. I hate to say it, but after seeing these incredibly stupid posts, I'm convinced Americans may be the dumbest people on earth. Talk about clickbait, Man, I am in. All right. These are actually pictures of posts that have been put up by. By US Citizens. This one is on Italians. Can Italians, Spanish and French people understand each other? And somebody posts, these are three different languages. What are you talking about? And they post American. And English and Australian are different languages too. They still understand each other, though, huh? Wow. Yeah. I didn't know that Australian had their own language. Yeah, they do. Apparently in Britain, they have their own language as well. But, you know, we speak American, so. Sure. You know, we invented straight. We do. We invented it. Damn straight we do. And if you got an issue with that, maybe you should be living somewhere else. On the subject of Spain, somebody posts, did y' all know that Spain was in Europe and not South America? When the. Did y' all plan on telling me about this? How did somebody. I'm just curious how somebody came to that conclusion. Like, was he looking at a globe or an atlas or something? Came across. Came across Europe and said, what is Spain doing? Maybe it's in Europe. Maybe they just moved it recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a picture of some video a person is watching. They've got a screenshot, and it has the date on it. And the date, it's something that took place overseas. And the date is 8/3/20, 26. And the person wrote, I love these, but your dates are wrong. It's 3/8/2026, not 8, 3/2026. And somebody kindly responded, most of the rest of the world uses day, month, year instead of month, day, year, so it's actually correct. I remember the first time I saw that as a kid seeing a European timestamp on something and thinking, yeah, boy, that. That's not what I'm used to. But that sure does make sense. It makes sense. Yeah. I ran into that constantly in. In Ecuador because, you know, they do it that way. And. And I kept. I'd have to look at dates several times to make sure that I was. I was actually correct in my appointment making. Just picturing a cab driver saying to you repeatedly in Spanish, sir, is everything okay? Because you're staring at a date for five minutes in the backseat of a taxi trying to figure out if you're. If you're at the right appointment. Yeah, I almost bought. Bought tickets to see Sting, but I put in the wrong date. And so there was no Sting concert on that day. That would have been embarrassing. Yeah. It was kind of cool though, seeing Sting in Cuenca, Ecuador at the soccer stadium. And we had dead center seats and I think we paid 30 bucks. Holy moly. Yeah, yeah, he came on with us, started with Synchronicity, which was pretty cool. How cool is that? Also appearing at that stadium. And this isn't like a cockamamie, cockamamie transition here. This is. This is true genius. Yeah, Bad Bunny played there too. And that leads me to this exchange. See how everything ties together, people? Yes, it does. Somebody wrote, deport Bad Bunny. And somebody said to where he's American. And they responded, no, he's not. He's Puerto Rican. Okay, here's a good one. I'm just learning all kinds of geographical things today. I looked it up and the Canada team isn't even. They're using NHL players from the U.S. okay. All right. Okay. Sports. Sports can be confusing. It is. It is. On politics, what the f is a prime minister? What is a parliamentary system? Why don't you just have a president like a normal country, like the United States of America? All capitals. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a. A post about mayonnaise. Okay, good. I was hoping for one of those. Yeah. Italians don't put mayo in their sandwiches. And somebody said, that's not true. We do in some occasions. Why do you think you know more than the literal Italians? And then they responded surrounded by Italians. Staten island, does that ring a bell? So you live near some Italians and you know better than Italians? Italians, yeah. Yeah. Because my best friend at work's last name is Amici, so don't like, don't lecture me on Italians. Here's one on currency. Why do they have the wrong coins and bills? Those aren't American. The response is because, like the poster said, it. It's aud. Australian dollars. You realize several countries use dollar. It's not exclusively the US and they wrote, if USA was going to buy Australia, would they use US dollars or Australian dollars? Wow, that's a. That's quite a comeback. Wow. Way to go. Yeah. I have to say, when we were in London last Thanksgiving, I was really struck by the genius and the simultaneous inconvenience of all of their bills in the UK being different sizes based on the denomination one hand. I thought, this is really smart. But the inability to, you know, fold them and have them all line up perfectly like we can here in America was frustrating to me. Yeah, I can. I can agree with that. I understand exactly what you're saying. And it's not so much because we're American and we're used to it. In my case, it's I'm mildly ocd and that just really kind of messes with my head. Yeah, I didn't like it. I didn't like it. I like little, neat, perfectly aligned bills. Sure, they're all ones, but there's 20 of them. Damn it. Alright, here's an interesting post. We're getting into cuisine now. Oh, good quote. England may have invented spaghetti in bolognese, but we invented the fries. It doesn't need all those extra ingredient ingredients. And England has it right for once here. Potatoes, oil and salt is the healthy way to make them. But you can also use fat instead of oil. Tastes better, but it's not as healthy. All right. And the response is. Fries are from Belgium. I remember my government teacher in High School, Mr. Zaharia, who talked about the things, the foods that we consider the most American are actually derived from other nationalities. That the hot dog was actually a frankfurter, that the apple pie, it was based on strudel. Yeah. And that there's really very few things that are American. That's true. Here's a controversial stance on milk. Sorry, we don't have enough of those in life. Right. Sorry. But milk isn't dairy. Only cheese is dairy. You try so hard to get it right. When you're wrong, it's pathetic. Milk is considered dairy in at least six countries that I have lived in. How is it not dairy? Here's the reply. This is America. In America, we do things the right way. Okay? That's a person that you just don't even have an argument with. You just nod politely, politely nod and pay for your goods and leave. Slip away. World population is always a good topic for argument because of course, a lot of Americans have to be the best at that too. We have more people than Italy and China and they responded. You mean population or confirmed Cases population. China's population is much larger than the US and Italy has 60 million people. Okay, whatever. I'm not on here to argue. There's tons of misinformation everywhere, and I don't even know who you are, so chill. I just pointed out the correct totals of populations. China has had the largest population for a long time. What you are being is a know it all and you don't know it all. Wow. Yeah. Way to state your case. I, you know, I just. I just keep scrolling when I see stuff like this. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to end with this one, Lindsay. This one's on Native Americans. Somebody wrote, that's not American. And another person wrote, native Americans are Americans. They are native to America, but not fully American, though. Yes, they are. They are the most American you can get. Let's try harder, people, shall we? Please. But not fully. Not fully American. Oh, that's priceless. Good lord. Oh, and they ask us why we drink. Hey, babes, it's Paris Hilton. So I was checking my points balance in the Hilton Honors app the other day, and, yeah, I've got about a billion, which feels excessive even for me. Just kidding. You can never have too many Hilton Honors points. And I want to do something iconic this summer, so I'm giving away all my Paris points. Just find somewhere you've always wanted to spend, then go to my socials or Hilton's and tell me about it. Just make sure you're a Hilton Honors member and I might be sending you Paris points. Because when you want points that make your summer even hotter, it matters where you stay. Visible puts the ultimate wireless hack in the palm of your hand with unlimited 5G wireless data and hotspot designed to keep you connected, powered by Verizon's 5G network and no contract holding you back. Plans start at $25 a month. Or get the premium Visible Pro and save $10 on your first month. When you use promo code hack, make the switch@visible.com terms apply. See visible.com for details. You see them playing in your local parks and schools. You read about them in the paper. Even your neighbors talk incessantly about how much they love this new sport. But we've had enough. We're AAP American against pickleball. We think this board is a disgrace. First off, it's a stupid name. Anything with the word pickle in it is dumb. Unless you're talking about real pickles. That's okay, except for the sweet ones. Second, your little pickleball nets are taking up space that could be used by people playing tennis. That's a real sport. Third, pickleball isn't even exercise. You're just standing there swatting at that stupid little ball like it's a fly at a picnic. You look dumb doing that. People are laughing at you, and you don't even know it because you're too busy playing pickleball. And if you know someone who plays pickleball, sit them down and tell them they're stupid and you hate them. It's time to end pickleball. This message has been paid for by aap Americans Against Pickleball, partially funded by the American Lawn Bowling Association. The email address is lifeguardalloandpodcast.com that's the email that a listener named Kalyn, I think I'm pronouncing that correctly writes, all right, this was in seventh grade. I'm 43 years old now, so easy with the judgment. This takes place in Gardner, Maine, a hidden gem. Me and the boys were from Farmingdale, ripping it up with our Huffies. Remember the Huffy bicycle? I do, yeah. Yeah. With the pegs? Yeah, yeah. Those were always in. In my neighborhood, those were always a notch. Considered a notch below the Schwinn. Oh, yeah, The Huffy was. Was unnecessarily heavy and kind of lumbering, as it were. It certainly was. Anyway, he says, we were from Farmingdale, ripping it up with our Huffies. We decided to hit up the Gardiner boat landing. Jethro, are you familiar with the Gardiner Main boat landing? I certainly am. Okay, he says. It's me. Maybe five others. We approach a flight of stairs. Concrete. Three flights, maybe 12 steps each. Sitting at the top. I claim I got this because I've done it before to a smaller extent. You know, school stairs and whatnot. Also, didn't consider my brakes were shit. I hit the first flight okay. Second flight was rough. Didn't even touch the third. Hit the paved walkway at the bottom. Hard. Dragged for at least 15ft. My pants came down. I effed myself up. Bad chef's kiss. Because at the same time, a crew of rafters cleaning the river were pulling in. They watched every second of me eating it. Luckily, they had a first aid kit and patched me up. Friends laughing hard, pants off, rafters watching. Then me hobbling home. Yeah, I told my folks I tripped on the outdoor basketball court so they'd still let me go riding Huffies with the boys. I couldn't straighten my leg. Couldn't straighten my leg for six weeks. Oh, no. I hid it from mom and dad every day. Still think I could pull it off though. Anyone got a huffy? Kaylin, I think you did it once and God bless you for coming through it, hiding your injury from your folks for a month and a half. I say just, just continue to ride that memory. Don't. Don't try and redo it. It's for a kid. Gotta be embarrassing to faceplant in front of your friends. But when you face plant in front of your friends and your pants come off. Wow. To say nothing of the rafters who are coming in just as you attempt this. If that was a dream, it would be like paging Dr. Freud. 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Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue or throat swelling, wheezing or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of new or worsening eye problems like eye pain or vision changes, skin symptoms, joint aches and pain, or a parasitic infection. Don't change or stop other treatments without talking to your doctor. Pat a cake. Pat a cake baker. Dupixent helps your child feel the heel. Ask your child's eczema specialist. Visit dupixent.com or call 1-844-dupixent. You're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toth. I have a story as well, Jethro from your state of Florida. Everybody act surprised because we've talked a number of times about Florida and we've talked a number of times about pickleball. Pickleball, as you know, attracts a wide range of people and personalities. And I want to talk to you about a woman named Michelle Bannister. Michelle is a 47 year old nurse. She has a master's Degree from the University of Alabama. And prior to her nursing career, she served in the Marine Corps as a helicopter mechanic. How cool is that? An online bio describes her as an active mom who participates in many sports and activities with her children. She lists her favorite pursuits as traveling, hiking and playing beach volleyball and pickleball. So obviously an active duty person. Well, after being arrested earlier this month, Bannister was named in a June 11 felony information charging her with aggravated battery and providing cops with a false name. Oh, boy. What. What the h. How did we get here, Jethro? How did we. How did we get here? Well, let me explain. Please do. Let me set this up for you. Michelle was there at the pickleball courts with her son. And according to court records, during one doubles game. It was a Sunday. A dispute rose between players about the retrieval of a ball. During a post game dispute, a Florida woman repeatedly struck a male victim in the head with her paddle. No. Leaving him bloodied and with an injury to his face. This actually happened May 31st at the Pickleball. Pickleball Courts in Treaty park in St. Augustine, which, as everybody knows, is about 40 miles from Jacksonville. Has you ever been to Jacksonville, Jethro? Oh, yeah. It's considered to be one of the longest continuously occupied cities. Settlement slash towns in America. Wicked cool. I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know that. We'll have to go next time we come visit. Well, upon completion of this one particular match, there was a gentleman named ron Benatt, age 50, who went to speak with Michelle's son regarding the critique of his playing style, which you kind of see where this is going. Apparently, Banat is a Treaty park regular, a devoted pickleball player, and a member of the Facebook St. Augustine Pickleball Group. Now, there's also another woman who comes into this story. Her name is Pam Hatch, and Pam is actually known as Pickleball Pam. Of course she is. Of course she is. She was on a nearby court and witnessed this attack. Pam told reporters, quote, she, meaning Michelle, probably got in six good whacks with the side of the paddle. She was being torn off of him as well. She was upset. Something really did set her off. Now, she hit him with the. Like, the edge of the paddle. I think so, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I mean, the flat paddle face would be bad enough, but, you know, applied in the right manner, could be pleasurable. Yeah, but. So that's a. If you. If you take it by the Ed. Yeah. You know, dangerous. Yeah. Pam, you see Is also the North Florida ambassador for USA Pickleball. So she's got some. Some cred in in this whole story. Pam goes on to say, there was blood all over the place. I was helping the victim wring out the towel because it was a bloody mess. When I last looked up, I saw them all four playing. I'm not sure what was said, but it was certainly enough to provoke an altercation. I like that. Now, Pam, to be fair, says that she has played pickleball before with both the defendant, Michelle, the first person we talked about, and the victim. She says, I've played with a victim before. Many people out there. I don't think he would have provoked her, But I don't know exactly what was said being a couple chords away. Hatch. Pam says she didn't hear what started the argument. She only spoke with the defendant and her son after the altercation. I've seen her and her son out there playing. They are lovely people. Hatch said, which makes the story all the more confusing. Now, although Pam is not sure of specifics, the she thinks that a comment made on the court was taken out of context. Police were called, and they say that the discussion between Mr. Bennett, the one who was assaulted, and Michelle's son was getting heated and that Michelle interjected herself into the argument and then, quote, struck the victim in the head several times with a pickleball paddle, leaving injuries to his face that caused several cuts and a large amount of blood loss. Here's where things take an unfortunate turn. Like. Like it wasn't unfortunate enough. When police respond to this altercation, Ms. Bannister allegedly provided them with a fake name. Oh, not good. And the name that she chose, Ayanna, which is spelled A, I, Y, A N, N, A Lee or Lei, L, E, I. That's a fascinating name to make up, but Bannister is a licensed nurse practitioner who lives two miles from Treaty Park. When questioned, she claimed Michelle Banister claimed that she was just defending her son. But officers reported, quote, there did not appear, based on victim and witness statements, to be an imminent threat to life, limb, or propensity of violence about to occur. Bannister has understandably hired an attorney, woman named Rosemary Peoples, who pushed back on the charges and said Bannister was just protecting her son. The attorney said Michelle Banister is a mom, nurse and model citizen. She is wrongly accused of a crime. Her actions were needed to stop a violent attempt to attack her young son. Free on $8,000 bond, Banister is scheduled for a July 28 pretrial hearing in Circuit court. You want to go? I feel like we should. Having talked about this, I got this from the New York Post. Action News, Jacksonville and the smoking gun. It's interesting that we have done other stories about. Remember we did a story, God, I don't know, six, seven weeks ago, maybe longer ago than that, that involved like 40 people. It turned into like a melee on pickleball courts. Crazy. And I think. What is it? I don't think I hear about arguments on tennis courts that turn violent. Am I wrong? No. There seems to be a little more decorum. You remember John McEnroe? He'd throw his racket and stuff. But most of the time, you know, you lose, you go over, you shake the opponent's hand, you give him a hug, and you're done. Pickleball apparently isn't like that. It's. It's weird because you think of pickleball and you can't help but frame it as like tennis light, you know, so you wouldn't expect there to be these types of physical altercations. It's like. It's like the idea of there being full contact chess, it just doesn't. It doesn't line up. It doesn't fit in the hole. Right? Yeah, yeah, that's. I never thought about that. Or. Or none. Boxing, that would be. There you go. You know, now that I would. I would pay. Yeah, put that on Pay per view, right? Screw wwe. Let's. Let's get nuns. Nuns in the octagon. There, that's the title. Yeah. Right. A Habit of violence. Thank you so much. The email address is lifeguardallownpodcast.com you don't have to write about yourself. You can always tell us about your sibling, your cousin, your neighbor, your boss, anybody. We enjoy reading it and it makes our job easier. We'll see you next time. Continue to make good choices. Your life might depend on it. So concludes another episode of the Shallow End with Schnebly and Toph. We thank you for listening. Oh, be a dear, would you please subscribe to this podcast? Give these boys a five star rating and think of something nice to say, even if you have to make something up. And visit us online@shallowendpodcast.com okay, gotta go. Every act of change begins with a neighbor, with someone saying, we take care of each other. Here in food banks and food pantries, neighbors pack fresh food and dignity into every box, moving food from farms to families through Feeding America's nationwide network. So when that box reaches a home, it carries more than food. 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