220: She Couldn't Wait 20 Minutes for a Beer

It began long ago, two young boys in an American town, riding their bikes to school and Little League practice. Over the years, the boys became fast friends, united in their love for stories where things would go horribly wrong. Pour yourself a strong beverage and buckle up. You're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toth. Well, by the giant calendar on the wall, Jethro, it appears that we're actually on Episode number 220. Yes, that is correct. 220. 220 twenty it is. And this starts with a caveat from both Jethro and me. You want to go first and explain what's in your studio? I am recording at my mother in law's house in Maine. And I'm in the storage shed. Well, it's not really a shed, it's a room, but it looks like a shed from inside. This is where she keeps the cat box, so let's get cracking. Okay. And wasn't there a mention of a parrot? Yu-Gi-Oh there's a. Yu-Gi-Oh there's an African grey parrot on the other side of this door. And also the air conditioning is on, and there's a lot of traffic. Traffic noise, too, so should be interesting. How's it looking at your place, Linds? Well, we are on the last day of dog sitting. In fact, we're just, I think, like four hours or less. And this dog is very sweet. Her name is Birdie B I R D I E. She's 2 years old, and she has a very shrill bar, and she likes to unleash that bark at inopportune times, like, say, when you're recording something. Well, that happens. Let's see who has the louder animal on this episode. Okay, well, we'll turn it into a fun little contest. You want to go first? Yu-Gi-Oh Because parrot's being relatively quiet at this point. Sure. Now, if you've ever watched a detective show, you know, the big reveal usually comes after weeks of painstaking investigation. But real life, as we know, is much less dramatic in many cases. Sometimes the detective doesn't solve the crime, sometimes the criminal does. And there seems to be an unwritten law of the universe that says if you're going to commit a crime, you're also going to do something spectacularly stupid that makes everybody else's job easier. This is why we have this podcast, because some, some. Some criminals leave fingerprints and that sort of thing, but others, you know, they leave Google searches. And one of the most remarkable examples, we're going to look at a few of these cases where people actually got themselves Arrested by being just stupid. One of the most remarkable examples involves three teenagers accused of setting a house on fire in Denver. What, 20, 20? Well, it was during COVID and they were probably bored. Oh, well, if they were bored, sure. The fire sadly killed five members of the same family. Ouch. Investigators. Investigators initially had very little to go on, but eventually they discovered something unusual in Google's records. Somebody had searched for the exact address of the home shortly before the attack. And the search eventually became one of the digital breadcrumbs that helped the investigators identify the susp. The teens had reportedly targeted the wrong house after trying to track down somebody they believed had stolen an iPhone. Yu-Gi-Oh they actually accepted a plea agreement years later. But the Internet searches became a very important part of the investigation. You. You just. You have to assume nowadays that you're always being observed. Exactly. For generations, detectives hoped a criminal would accidentally leave a footprint. Today, they leave browser histories. And I remember mentioning this to you last year. I was watching a lot of forensic files at the time, and a lot of those forensic files date back to the 90s. And I really love it when they use what they call at the time, state of the art technology, when they say things like, they identified the email by looking at something called an IP address. Hey, do that in your Keith Morrison voice. They identified it by using something called an IP address. Or did they? Oh, I love when you do that. You're sweet. So the Internet has become one of history's least judgmental witnesses. It records everything, and it doesn't ask why. And there are people who quite literally document their entire crimes. Police detectives around the country have become increasingly accustomed to finding suspects posing with stacks of stolen cash and jewelry and illegal firearms, or even the exact merchandise that investigators are looking for. This just fascinates me. Nancy and I were just talking about this because there is a trend currently going on up in Santa Clarita, California, which is kind of north of. Well, it's not kind of. It's actually north of Los Angeles. And teenagers there are doing this new TikTok trend where they kick in people's front doors and they record it and then post it on TikTok. Yu-Gi-Oh I saw something about that. That's crazy to me. It's stupid enough to vandalize somebody else's property for fun and then to document it and post it online. Hey, look, here's video of me kicking in a stranger's door. And think about this. You're the homeowners. Somebody kicks your door in, you've got a gun, you Know, that's just stupid. The sheriff's deputies up there said to parents, talk to your kids about this, because people do own guns. And if somebody's trying to kick down their door at 2 in the morning. Right. We can't be responsible for what a concerned homeowner does. That's exactly right. Now, the Internet is one thing, and another thing is your phone itself. Police investigators have solved. Solved countless cases because somebody left their cell phone at the scene. It's like leaving your id. Unlike a wallet, a modern smartphone isn't just identification. It's a diary of your life, whether you want to believe that or not. It tells us where you've called, where you've been, where you've texted, what you've searched. Sometimes how fast you drive. For example. Yu-Gi-Oh There was a guy here years ago again in Los Angeles, who burnt, Nearly burned down an entire apartment complex that was under construction. And even though he didn't use his phone while he was in that construction site, he ultimately got arrested because his phone had been pinging cell towers long enough in that area that cops were able to figure out who it was. Yu-Gi-Oh they can triangulate the location. It's. It's remarkable what they. What they can do. One burglar, one burglary investigation took an unexpected turn. This. This burglar made it really easy for law enforcement because he had already been arrested and. And he was on house arrest, and he had a GPS tracking ankle bracelet on. You know, one of those house arrest things. Sure. You're not supposed to leave, and if you do, we'll know he took it to a whole different level. Not only did he leave, he burgled the place. Yu-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh They knew exactly what he was doing. Imagine robbing a bank while wearing a name tag. That's. Yu-Gi-Oh Very similar. Yu-Gi-Oh By the way, here's my id. Yu-Gi-Oh Just. Here's my driver license. History's filled with equally unbelievable examples. One kidnapper mailed the ransom letters with a return address on it. Smart. Yu-Gi-Oh Others have used their own home computers to write anonymous threats before forgetting that printers can sometimes be traced. Internet activity, of course, can be recovered. And the envelopes have a habit of accumulating fingerprints and DNA. What? My neighbor is a friend of mine. We used to play practical jokes on each other all of the time. And I could access his printer on the Yu-Gi-Oh FI network, and I would just print out cartoon penises. As one does. As one does. I had a buddy, Kirby, when I was at Disneyland, who was at Walt Disney World in Florida on a Temporary assignment. And he figured out how to, on the Disney internal network, print things from his cubicle in Florida on the printer back here in Anaheim. And so he would just send, you know, just stupid stuff, like one word on each page to print out. And it drove the secretary absolutely bonkers because she Goldin print while Kirby was sending this mishmash. It truly is the most magical place on earth. Right. Right now. DNA, of course, has become a big tool today for forensic investigators. It doesn't take blood. It doesn't take bodily fluids necessarily. They get, you know, if you sip out of a coffee cup, normally they can just pick that out of the trash and recover DNA analysis. Right. That will track you down. Um, and despite decades of television crime dramas explaining how DNA works, people have still been arrested for googling things like how long does police keep DNA? Or can deleted searches be recovered? That's a big one, by the way. Interesting. It's almost as though curiosity has terrible timing. Technology has changed crime in ways nobody predicted. Not because criminals have become smarter. Quite the opposite. Your phone remembers, and you don't think about that. Cars remember. Security cameras, of course, doorbells, even some refrigerators, like these smart fridges. There was one guy that broke into this house that had smart fridge, and he pressed the panel, you know, for it to light up. And it also happened to be a video monitoring system. So he was busted by a refrigerator. How many people can claim that that's an extraordinary skill, that is. It happens all the time, man. And yet, despite living in perhaps the most d documented era of human history, people continue to make the same mistakes. They live stream crimes. They brag online about things that they've done that they shouldn't. They boast about robberies they've committed. They. They show the loot that they have stolen. They search questions that not only one, that only one kind of person would think to ask. And they take selfies with stolen merchandise. Real criminals aren't that careless. Except, well, quite a few of them are. Yu-Gi-Oh Come to think of it, the lesson isn't really about crime. It's about human nature. People are always remarkably good at creating evidence against themselves. And sometimes, most of the time, it's vanity. Sometimes it's panic. Sometimes it's just over confidence. Sometimes it's simply forgetting that nearly every object around us is a silent witness these days. Welcome to the Orwellian future. This is where we're living nowadays. You just have to assume, no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, that at some point, if people need to they can find out exactly what that was. Amen. I got this stuff from Wired magazine, PBS, and ABC News. There's just so much that technology has done that has made it so much easier for us to make fun of people. And we thank you technology for making our jobs easier. God bless you. The email address is lifeguardallownpodcast.com a listener named Todd sent us an email. Hello, Schnebly and Toth. Odd Todd here. Another personal shallow end experience to share with you. Unfortunately, I have several more. A few years back, a friend and I started talking about skydiving. He'd already done a few jumps and was Zebra excited, which got me excited too. A couple of days later, I drove out to a small airport for a skydiving lesson. It was a tandem jump, so I'd be strapped to an instructor who would handle most of the jump. Have you seen videos of that, Jethro, where people have their instructor essentially on their back like a, like a large backpack? And it's a, it's a called a tandem jump, he says. When I met my instructor, I realized he was much smaller than me. I was over 100 pounds heavier, several inches taller still. I figured he was a pro and knew what he was doing. I shook his hand. He showed me how to put on the jumpsuit and connect the gear. When I stood up, his feet dangled below me. I felt like I was wearing a heavy backpack that could talk. I asked if our size difference would be a problem. He said it wouldn't be an issue, which made me feel more confident about his abilities. We walked over to a tiny plane with other first time jumpers. The plane didn't have a door or seats, and when I asked my instructor about it, he just said they just get in the way. The flight up was bumpy with strong wind blowing in through the open doorway. Once we reached the right altitude, the instructors lined us up and got us ready to jump. The first two jumpers went without any problems. Then it was my turn. I stood up with a small instructor strapped to me like a hello Kitty backpack and walked to the open doorway. We stepped up and he yelled on the count of three. One. And then pushed me out. My head snapped back and hit his chin as we left the plane. The free fall only lasted a moment before the parachute opened. Once it did, we floated gently through the air and I got to enjoy the beautiful, peaceful view. It felt like I was gliding, but we really didn't seem to be in control. We started going in circles and I asked if Everything was cool. There was no response, which raised concern as I was several thousand feet in the air with a tiny, knocked out parachute instructor strapped to my back. A few panicked seconds passed as we spiraled, and then I heard some struggling behind me. We then veered sharply to one side. The instructor grunted. It's surprising, by the way, how well you can hear it in the air. Quote, dude, you knocked me out. You're a little bigger than I thought. You're gonna have to help with the landing. Plus, I bit my tongue and I'm bleeding a lot. That's definitely not what you want to hear while you're several thousand feet above Wisconsin with a small person strapped to your. Not to mention that this little semi conscious bleeding person was supposed to land us both safely. He quickly taught me how to help with the control ropes and the landing. We managed to get our descent back under control with a lot of effort. As we got close to the ground, he told me, pull down as hard as you can on the control ropes to slow us down before we land. I did what he said, and we landed surprisingly smoothly in the landing zone. But when I raised my arms in relief, the chute caught air again and tossed us backward. I bounced on top of this little dude for about 100ft before we finally stopped. When we got out of the suit, he looked pretty beat up with blood coming from his mouth, limping and coughing. I apologized for crushing him and hitting his head. He offered me a discount if I didn't tell the head instructor. I accepted the discount and didn't tell the instructor. Mom's the word. Thanks for what you guys do. Todd. Todd. That is a. That is a perfect, perfect shallow end story. That is one of the favorite, my favorites that we've received so far. And it reminded of one of. Reminded me of one of those wacky morning radio. Radio show stunts that I did during my lengthy morning show career. And this. This was in Orlando. Gosh. Does it involve parachuting? It does. Oh, I don't know if I've heard this story. Well, we. We pioneered the whole humiliate your morning show intern concept. Okay. And so we would. We'd make our intern do things like take our. Take one of our cars to get a wash through one of those automatic car washes, but forget to tell them that it was a convertible and the top didn't work. You know, that sort of thing. Gotcha. We. We talked him into skydiving at a place and right outside of Orlando, and he was doing it. And while he was up in the air. He was miked. He had. He could hear us. And we were interviewing while he was getting ready to jump out tandem like this, we were interviewing one of the emergency response people about all of the situations that they've had to deal with involving bad parachute jumps. Yu-Gi-Oh And he goes, Yu-Gi-Oh We have special codes. Like, for example, if the person is not alive before we get there, he's dtr. He's dead right there. Or drt. Drt. Yu-Gi-Oh drt. He's dead right there. If he's not dead yet, he's ftd. That's fixin to die. And I hear Otis, our morning show guy, up in the plane going, oh, my God. And then I see him go out and all you can hear is just wind. Oh, I can imagine. Yu-Gi-Oh it was. It was a special day. But needless to say, Otis survived just fine. Yu-Gi-Oh he was fine. He was. More hilarious car wash stunt. Yu-Gi-Oh Well, I can imagine that. Ftd. I'm gonna use that. Trying to be a bit more mindful of things you buy for you and your family. Well, when it comes to laundry, choose AllFreeClear. 100% Free from dyes and perfumes, AllFreeClear uses only essential ingredients that tackle tough stains and odors. And it's gentle on the skin. It's a powerful clean you can feel good about. So go on, pick up a bottle of allfree Clear for your next laundry day. You're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toth. I call this story, Jethro, the most expensive beer she never got to Dr. You and I have used our share of Ubers and Lyfts from time to time to get around. We sure have. Both of those companies have a pretty simple rule when it comes to alcohol. No open containers in the car. It's right there in the rules. You can't crack open a beer in the back seat and start drinking while somebody else is driving you around. And honestly, I think that's not too much to ask, right? No, you can wait 20 minutes before you need to open that can of Schlitz. And if you think about it, the Uber driver already has enough to worry about. He or she doesn't need somebody in the backseat spilling a Michelob on the upholstery, arguing about the playlist, and eventually shouting, stop the car. I have to throw up. So Uber says, that was a. Was a Broadway musical with Anthony Newley, wasn't it? That's right. Yu-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh So Uber and Lyft say no open containers. And in fact, according to Uber's community guidelines in doing research on this. Drug use and open containers of alcohol are never allowed while using the Uber Marketplace platform. And riders are instructed to, quote, never bring illegal drugs or open containers of alcohol into a car. Now, most people hear that rule and think, okay, but. But this is not most people. This is a woman named Lynn Marie Zamora of Miami, Florida. And it seems to me like she heard that rule and thought, quote, this is the hill I will die on. Actually, technically, somebody else almost did. According to police, Zamora was riding in an Uber with a male friend. This was just a couple weeks ago. This was July 13th, and they had been Beckett up from a hotel in this Uber and were headed to another friend's house. So far, completely normal. Two friends, an Uber, a trip across Miami. What could go wrong? Well, then Zamora apparently decided she wanted a beer. And thankfully the guy with whom she was driving, sitting in the back seat, said, no, no, no, no. You can't drink in an Uber. Now, I want you to picture being this guy, you know, Mr. Good Sense sitting next to her. He probably thought this was going to be a very short conversation, like, hey, you can't drink that in here. She says, no. He says, no, Uber doesn't allow it. She says, okay. The end. And that's how most normal people would handle it. But according to the arrest report, Zamora did not just handle it like that. She became irritated and she continued to argue about it. And her friend apparently had to tell her several times, no, you can't drink that beer. Several times. And at some point, this guy must have felt like he was explaining the rules of Monopoly to a four year old. Lyn, you cannot drink the beer. But why? Because Uber says you can't. I paid for the Uber. You didn't buy the Uber. You requested the Uber. Here's where things take a truly bizarre turn. Jg. According to police, Zamora then reaches into her purse and pulls out a pair of scissors. Okay, scissors. So you know you're having a terrible Uber ride. When the driver looks in the rear view mirror and suddenly realizes, so I guess this is no longer a five star trip. Police allege that Zamora actually stabbed her friend with the scissors, striking him in his left bicep and left cap. The driver apparently stopped the vehicle. Injured guy gets out, calls 91 1. Now just think about that phone call if you're the 911 operator. 91 1, what's your emergency? I've been stabbed. Where are you? On the side of the road. Who stabbed you? My friend. Why? Well, she wanted to drink a beer and an Uber. Now, there are emergency calls where the dispatcher immediately thinks, this is serious. And then there are calls like this where the dispatcher probably takes a second and thinks, I'm sorry, could you start that over? Guy gets taken to the hospital, treated for his injuries. Uber driver also confirms to police what happened. Zamora is arrested and charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. And Uber understandably responded in the most Uber way possible. They banned her from using the app ever again. Of course they did. They basically said, you know what? We're going to have to deactivate your account. And I imagine there was a meeting. Okay, everybody, we have a difficult customer service situation. This woman violated the alcohol policy. Well, let's just give her a warning. No, there's a little bit more. She stabbed another passenger. Yep. Deactivate says the room. Her Uber privileges were probably revoked faster than the driver could hit the cancel ride button. And what's really unfortunate is the entire incident could have been avoided with a simple sentence where Mrs. Zamora says, Fine, I'll wait till we get there for the beer. The 32 year old appeared over a video call in front of a judge a few days later from jail, where it was revealed that she was already on probation for a separate battery conviction against a person aged 65 or older. Oh, my God. It was also revealed that she had at least several other prior assault and battery convictions, including a conviction for tampering with an electronic monitor. Speaking of ankle bracelets, right? There are two kinds of Uber rides, jg. The kind where you arrive at your destination, and the kind where your destination suddenly becomes the emergency room and then jail. So if you ever find yourself sitting in the back of a Uber or Lyft thinking, I really want a beer, remember the tale of Lynn Marie Zamora. Because sometimes the hardest part of growing up is realizing you can indeed survive without a beer for 20 minutes. And you may even discover something amazing. It's called arriving at your destination without stabbing your friend. Yu-Gi-Oh It takes a special kind of person to do something like this. This does. This is not the. You know, for example, I imagine the beer that they had was not a handcrafted artisan pilsner. I'm sure it was a natty light. I was picturing something in a can. Yu-Gi-Oh And something that was probably room temperature. Yu-Gi-Oh I think we've talked about this. Ham's beard. You remember hams? God. Nancy and I were just yesterday talking about hams because I have a photo of Nancy's late mom, God rest her and me, sitting on a deck in Lake House in Wisconsin, and I was holding a cold Ham's beer. It was in the middle of summer. We had had turkey sandwiches. It was a hot day. And that might be one of the top five beers of my life because it tasted so damned good. Well, it would have tasted better if you'd. If you'd served it properly at room temperature, Lynn. That's true. That's true. By the way, I got this story from the New York Post. As always, People magazine and NBC Miami. I actually found the old hams jingle on YouTube yesterday because we were talking about it from the land of sky blue waters. Oh, Yu-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh And I did a little research. Did you know, Jethro, that Ham's beer was established in 1865 in St. Paul, Minnesota? I did not know that. I didn't either. And it made me wonder if it was like, the Civil War's over, let's invent a beer. It's funny you mentioned old commercials, because I came across a YouTube station, a YouTube channel that is commercials that didn't age well. Here, let me. Let me play one or two of them for you. Oh, I love this. Today, being retarded means leading a full life. Retarded people go to work or school, just like their neighbors, and come back to a real home, a supervised home, right in the neighborhood where they belong. Being retarded never stopped anyone from being a good neighbor. Oh, my Lord. This is Bill Cosby. Now that everybody has told you about the dangers of doing drugs, I'd like to tell you about some of the benefits. Just imagine yourself unconscious, making a visit to a hospital emergency room. Yu-Gi-Oh we don't need to hear any more of that. Thanks, Bill. Thanks, Bill. Good Lord. Yu-Gi-Oh Yu-Gi-Oh Times, they are a change in my friend. That was. Those were 1980s commercials. That's incredible. As recently as the 80s. Yu-Gi-Oh that's right. That's fascinating. By the way, speaking of 1865 and Civil War, something else I learned yesterday is the Minnesota State Fair, which the Minnesotans refer to as the Great Minnesota get together, began in 1854. Oh, Yu-Gi-Oh Can you believe that? No. And it's been held every year since then, with only six exceptions. In 1861 and 1862 due to the Civil War, 1893 because of scheduling conflicts, 1945 due to travel restrictions during World War II, 46 due to a polio epidemic, and in 2020, the first year of COVID 19. That's fascinating. Yu-Gi-Oh Isn't that crazy. That is crazy. And it's crazy that you're still listening to this podcast. But we appreciate it. We truly appreciate it. Shallow endpodcast.com you can send us an email to lifeguardallowendpodcast.com and by the way, Jethro, did you get a haircut? You look terrific. I did get a haircut. And I have new glasses. You look quite. You're an attractive man, Lieutenant. Don't think I haven't noticed. I'm going for the Jeff Goldblum look. I like it. I like it a lot. We will see you next time. You guys continue to make good choices. Your life might depend on it. So concludes another episode of the Shallow End with Schnebly and Toph. We thank you for listening. Oh, be a dear, would you please subscribe to this podcast, give these boys a five star rating and think of something nice to say, even if you have to make something up. And visit us online@shallow endpodcast.com okay, you gotta go.