211: The Church That Went to Eleven

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It began long ago, two young boys in an American town riding their bikes to school and Little League practice. Over the years, the boys became fast friends, united in their love for stories where things would go horribly wrong. Pour yourself a strong beverage and buckle up. You're in the Shallow End with Schnebly and Toph. You would be forgiven, dear listener, for thinking that this was episode 210 of the Shallow End. Because up until Jethro corrected me 30 seconds ago, I thought this was episode 210. Even though that's the episode number from the previous week. So it's confusing when you get into triple digits. Like, like we have. It's. It's sometimes very difficult to. To keep track. Well, and they all have to be in order. That's the hard part. Yeah. Yeah, that's the hard part for sure. Everybody expect like next week they expect 212. And what if I said welcome to episode 617? People would be checking their feed and thinking, how did I miss 400 episodes? Not that you really would have missed that much. Maybe we do that on April Fool's. There you go. April Fool's Day. April Fool's Day. I have apropos of nothing, Jethro. I have a dinner suggestion for not just you and Kat, but for all of our listeners at the Shallow End with Schnebly and Toth. And it's something that was mentioned to me very offhandedly last week by a neighbor, Mark. I was walking him and walking with him and his dog. And he very offhandedly said, I made this dinner last night for my. My wife and kids. It's called dirty Cabbage. What? And I was like, what? And he said, yeah, dirty cabbage. And he started describing what goes into it. And with each and each ingredient, I'm thinking I could make dirty cabbage. And so I Googled it, and then I sent two of my best friends who are culinarily inclined. Is that a word? It is now. I think so. And my. My cousin's husband, Bud Richie in Memphis wrote back saying, oh, yeah. You know, in the south, they also call that smothered cabbage. And I've made it a few times. And so I found a recipe on YouTube. And last night, Nancy and I, for the first time, made dirty cabbage, which sounds like a euphemism for something dirty, but it's actually just an amazing dish with red pepper and yellow pepper and a yellow onion. And I used ground turkey and ground sausage. You could certainly use a vegetable, you know, substitute instead. And you put it in a big skillet, and it's a whole head of chopped cabbage, and it's just freaking ridiculously good and healthy and easy. And I would encourage everybody tonight to find a YouTube video for Dirty cabbage and let the cabbage fly, if I may say so. Yeah, maybe. Be careful before you click on the link, though, based on the name alone. Yeah. Look out for nsfw. Dirty cabbage. You don't want to click on that link. No, no. I have a recipe for rusty trombone. And when I say rusty trombone, it's because I. Well, I like saying it. That's why I've brought it up several times during the shallowing. Depending the state in which you live. If you're under the age of 21 or 18, please do not Google that. Don't do that. No, don't do that. Instead, why not go make a big honkin bowl full of dirty cabbage? There you go. You're gonna love it. And while you're doing that, I'm gonna tell you a story. And lovely. You know, this could have gone in a lot of different directions. It's about wedding proposals, and some people have very, very creative ways of doing that. But there are those types of proposals where people say, you know what? Maybe this person should not be. Because human beings have spent centuries trying to answer a very simple question in the most complicated way possible. The question, of course, will you marry me? Some people, you've probably seen this online social media, they'll, like, hide a ring in the champagne. Some people hire skywriters I will. Well, she finally accepted. It's taken her 11 years, but hey, better late than never. Take the win where you can. Exactly. It's. It's belated Congratulations to both of you. Thank you so much. Now I suppose we got to get you something. Some people arrange scavenger hunts. I've seen this online too, you know, pretty complicated ones. It's like 12 cities and 17 clues and. No, that's too much logistical planning of a mid sized military operation. There's a guy, he. He proposed underwater while scuba diving, which didn't really turn out to be very romantic. Watching the. He just looks like a. Like a drowning mime. I trust the woman to whom he was proposing was also in scuba gear or yes, yes, she was, because that would just be rude and very difficult to pull off. Very difficult. Yeah. Honey, you need to hold your breath. I promise this is going to be perfect. As he puts his mask over his face and drops down. Another man spent years secretly learning sign language so he could propose to his deaf girlfriend. Which is. That's impressive. Very, very sweet and thoughtful. That is very cool. What a sweet thing. To devastatingly thoughtful. And then there are people who propose at sporting events. And nothing says eternal devotion quite like asking somebody to commit to you forever while 30,000 people are looking for nachos. But every once in a while and somebody comes along and decides that romance is too predictable, too safe, too emotionally stable. And that's where we begin our story. Of course we do. In Cali, Columbia. Ah, okay. It starts with a couple sitting at a red light at an intersection. Normal day, you know, traffic. About what you would expect for that time of day. Nothing unusual. Then suddenly, a motorcycle pulls up and blocks their path. And another man approaches. And then another. And very quickly it becomes apparent that something is wrong. I think in Central America, South America, guys on motos are almost always about to commit a crime. I felt that way living in Ecuador. But then you would also see like people driving on scooters really more than anything. But they would have their toddler sitting on the gas tank with no helmet on. Oh, okay. Okay. Yep. So anyway, several men appear to surround the vehicle. And they're shouting, they're ordering the couple out of the car. One of them is holding a gun. You can imagine being in that moment. Your brain doesn't have a category for surprise proposal. In this case, the brain immediately skips ahead to, well, this is how I die, right? I had a good run. Everything looks real. The men are aggressive, the roads blocked, the weapons appear Real. And according to reports and of the video incident, the woman is absolutely terrified. And that's where things start to get a little bit strange. Because instead of demanding money, instead of stealing a car, instead of committing an actual crime, one of the robbers drops to his knee and pulls out a ring and proposes. Now, I just have to ask, did he take off the motorcycle helmet before he did this, or does she think, wait a minute, this. This burglar, this potential murderer, carjacker guy wants to propose? How sweet. I'm not sure, Linds. I haven't seen the video myself. I would assume he took the helmet off. Maybe he wasn't wearing one. Maybe just had a face mask. I. I'm not sure. Well, that's true. That's true. The entire armed robbery was apparently a giant setup so this guy could ask his girlfriend to marry him. And I think it's important that, you know, I need everyone listening to really appreciate the sequence of thoughts that had to occur before this happened. Because it's obviously not spontaneous. You don't accidentally organize a fake felony. There's planning required meetings, coordination. At some point, there was probably a series of text messages or a group chat, several grown adults discussing fake weapons and vehicle positioning. Somebody likely saying, okay, but what if she thinks we're actually robbing her? And the apparent answer was, perfect. Yeah. Yeah. That's the beauty of it. Don't you get it? This video, of course, went viral almost immediately, and the Internet responded exactly how you would expect. Half of the people were horrified. The other half were horrified but laughing. One commenter basically said this was proof of true love because she agreed to marry him after believing she was about to be kidnapped. Wow. Which is certainly one way to look at it, I guess. Another way, maybe. Major commitment. Others were less impressed. One person wrote that the proposal itself would be enough reason to not marry the guy. And that feels fair. Sure, sure. Because imagine the precedent being established here. Your engagement story forever becomes. So how did you propose? Oh, fake armed robbery. And now every anniversary, it has nowhere to go. Because what's year two? Simulated hostage negotiation. Maybe five years in, it's a controlled aircraft emergency. Yeah, I didn't even think about that. And what if, say, five years, 10 years down the road, it happens again, and you think, oh, it's a renewal of vows, and then you end up on the side of the road bleeding out. Right, right. The problem with public proposals already contain a certain amount of emotional hostage taking. Because everybody's watching, it's probably being filmed, there's pressure. But this Guy looked at that concept and thought, what if we added actual terror? What if we really heat things up? I mean, this is Colombia, after all. Yeah. Yet the proposal worked. She said yes. Now, to be fair, psychologists would probably have some thoughts about making a major life decision immediately after experiencing. Seeing what you believe to be a violent crime. But still, she said yes. And that means somewhere out there, there's a couple whose love story includes the sentence, remember when your friends pretended to rob us at gunpoint? And somehow that's romantic. Yeah. People are weird, Lindsay. I'm just glad she said yes. Well, I hope it's working out for him. Yeah, Yeah. I can't imagine saying no if you got a gun in your face anyway. Yeah. Yes. Yes, my dear. Of course, my dear. Whatever you wish, my dear. Anything you want. Anything you want. Most proposals, in fact, all of them really, at some level, are little performances. Their stories, people tell themselves about their relationship. And sometimes those stories, sometimes they include candlelight dinners, or maybe you're on a mountaintop somewhere, a hot air balloon ride. And apparently sometimes they involve a fake armed robbery in the middle of traffic. And what's funny is this wasn't even the first time somebody has tried something like this. Lynn's. There really have been fake kidnappings, staged crimes, other proposals built around the idea that maybe intense panic and lifelong commitment belong together. It's a bonding experience, I guess. Wow. It's like there's this little subset of humanity that watched every romantic comedy and concluded, you know what's missing here? A credible threat. Yeah. Yeah. I would wonder too, given that part of the world and its history of. Of drug cartel activity. Yeah. If they thoughts far enough ahead to let the local police or military know, hey, we're going to be at this intersection at 11am on this date. Don't send anybody out. It's. It's a proposal, you see, I'm proposing to my girlfriend. Yeah. And years from now, if these two are still together, I imagine someone at a family gathering will eventually ask how they got engaged. And there'll be a pause, like a long pause. Because the story starts exactly like every true crime documentary. And somehow it ended like a Hallmark movie written by a guy who definitely should not be left unsupervised. That's just insane. And your point of it being in Colombia? Yeah. I don't. Not a good idea to pull up on motorcycles with guns. I wonder how many people who witnessed this sitting at this. I'm presuming it was a red light who were looking out their window, thinking well, yeah, must be another carjacking or kidnapping or murder. Just sit in your car and wait till it blows over. And did those people, when they realized, when they see the guy getting down on one knee with a ring in his hand, did they. Did they get out of their cars and go, oh, that's so sweet. Congratulations. No, I think they were probably trying to get out of the area to escape drug cartel activity in their minds. Probably. This comes from the New York Post. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. The four seasons is back for season two. Starring Tina Fey, Will Forte, Colman Domingo, Marco Calvani, Carrie, Kenny Silver and Erika Henningsen. After a difficult year, your favorite group of friends continues their tradition of vacationing together, now with a baby in tow. From the Jersey shore to upstate New York and Italy, their getaways are sure to take unexpected turns. Where comedy ensues, watch the four seasons, now streaming only on Netflix. Anyone can give you a new roof, but cheapo roofing gives you more like water. Lots and lots of water. When it rains, that means your indoor plants are healthier and greener. All thanks to us. Our substandard work ethics and cheap roofing supplies mean water gets into your house faster than ever. And there's more. Only cheapo roofing can virtually guarantee sunshine throughout your home because of the gaps we'll probably leave in your new roof. But all that sunshine and water sure does make for happy, healthy houseplants. 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Maybe they have like some sort a, I don't know, like gold Panning operation like a sleuth where they bring that in some sort of. They just sift it. Yeah, they go through it and keep all the valuables. Put them up on ebay. Oh. So thank you, gwen. Lifeguard@shallowheadcast.com I will never look at a porta potty the same way. Stitch Fix. Stop shopping. Get styled a plus on the outfit. Ms. Turner, you are about to slay parent teacher conferences. Oh, these just the most perfect fitting jeans my stylist sent me. Oh hello you who didn't set one foot in a mall and still looks amazing. Just share your size, style and budget and your stylist sends personalized looks right to your door. Stitch Fix get started today@stitch fix.com to my stylist, this look is dedicated to you. Thank you. Thank you. Ryan Reynolds here from IT Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate, first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee, full terms@mintmobile.com you're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toffee. Well, I gots a story for you, Jethro, because, well, that's what you do. That's what I do. That's what you and I do every week. I am very proud of myself because I, I came up with what I thought was just an ingenious title for this story. It's called the Church that goes up to 11. Oh, I love that. How's that for a slug, huh? I love it. Story takes place in Columbia, South Carolina. Has you ever been to Columbia, South Carolina? I lovely, lovely town. I have never been there. I've always wanted to see the Carolinas. And I was just digging around doing a little research about Columbia, South Carolina and I found out some interesting. What I thought were interesting things. It was founded back in 1786. Oh wow. But you won't see many 18th or early 19th century buildings there because get this, two thirds of Columbia burned to the ground during the Civil War. When General Sherman entered the city back in 1865, 2/3 of that town burned to the ground. Was that part of his march to Savannah, I believe so. It was torch as we go, because we need a little light to see where we're going. Yeah. I was doing a story at a live show, and we were in Atlanta, and I made a reference to Sherman's march to the sea, and there was this dead silence, and somebody yelled, too soon. Okay, that's fair, because you were in the land of the war of Northern aggression. Yeah, it was right in the path of where he went. Yeah, that was the buckle of the Bible belt. Well, I also learned, Jethro, that Columbia is home to. This is fascinating to me. One of only a handful of dedicated puppet theaters in the nation, the Columbia Marionette Theater was built specifically for this unusual art form. And it's one of the few places, you know, you can go in the country if you want to see yourself some puppets. And finally, the other thing that I thought this was a little thing. It was a webpage, like things you may not know about, you know. Columbia, South Carolina. Synchronous fireflies are fireflies that light up all at the same time. And they are found only in about six places on the entire planet. I gotta tell Cat about that. She will love that little tiddit. Isn't that cool? One of them happens to be right outside Columbia in Congaree National Park. I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. Synchronous fireflies. Only a half dozen places on the planet Earth, and one of them is just outside Columbia, South Carolina. So, road trip for those of you with looking for something to do, because they are apparently most active in May and June. So how's that for time? Love it. Anyway, none of those cool facts have anything to do with my story. Just the location. Just the location our story takes place. This is quite a while ago, September of 2014, when Columbia, South Carolina, found itself locked in one of history's least expected showdowns. I wouldn't have thought this was possible, but God bless America. Our story involves a pastor versus a volume knob. Okay. Our pastor is Johnny Clark, and he is head of the Rehoboth United Assemblies Church. Now, he wasn't accused of fraud, theft, or anything that you would normally associate. When you hear the arrest of a church pastor, it's usually something a crime has been committed of some kind. And it's almost always kind of something where you wince and you think, oh, I wouldn't have expected that from somebody who runs a church. Well, Pastor Clark's crime was apparently this. Being too enthusiastic about praising the Lord. Because according to city officials and other law Enforcement in the city and neighbors, the church services were generating enough noise complaints that the police had to continually warn the church to turn things down. Hey, hey, hey. Can you ask our lord and savior to pipe down? Some of us is trying to sleep here. So essentially, the city was saying, please lower the volume. And the church heard, can you speak up? We couldn't hear you. The city says, seriously, turn it down. The church responded with what was essentially a divine remix featuring extra bass. And it seems to me in reading a couple different stories, like, the church was like, you're not telling us to turn things down. We're busy praising God here. And we will make as much noise praising our lord and savior as we choose. It's all about the bass and God and God, who, if he had to play an instrument, might play the bass. I think he'd be the best player bass player ever. Yeah. Soon the dispute escalated into a legal battle that probably confused everyone involved. Now, imagine being the judge in this case. Your honor, this man has violated the noise ordinance. What was he doing? Says the judge, worshiping God. Well, how loudly? Extremely. How extremely, exactly? Well, your honor, neighbors were identifying hymns from three zip codes away. Now, I'm making that part up, but that's. That's driving home the point that it was not just people right next door. It was. It was blocks away where people were saying, what is that noise? Oh, it's that church again. So at some point, I'm guessing here that city inspectors were probably trying to conduct some kind of scientific study, like actually measuring decibels and specific distances. But the church members likely saw things differently. Pastor, they're saying we're being too loud. Too loud for whom? He would say the neighbors. Well, then perhaps the neighbors need to get right with the Lord. Now, again, he didn't say that, but I'm guessing that's what he's thinking, because he's probably thinking, hey, how could somebody criticize me for demonstrating my love for God? Well, by the time the case reached court, everybody had dug into their positions. The city was not backing down. They were tired of all the complaints from the neighbors. Pastor wasn't backing down, and the sound system definitely wasn't backing down. And here's where I was just drop jawed when I read it. They actually sentenced the pastor, Pastor Clark, to two weeks in jail. What? Really? Wow. Two weeks of jail. Imagine hearing that most people get two weeks in jail after, like, a bar fight. I mean, how many stories have we told, like, about bad karaoke where somebody ends up slugging a Cop. And they get two weeks in jail. Sure. This guy got two weeks in jail because church apparently had the energy of a heavy metal festival. Well, he had been warned. So I'm sure that factored into the decision. I'm sure it did, too. And I had to wonder, though, once he's, like, walking into the jail cell with his mattress and his apple and sandwich, that one of the inmates says, what you in for? And he looks at him and says, noise violations. And the inmates say, like car stereos? No. Parties? No. Well, what Then I got hit with excessive worship. So for two weeks, Pastor Clark became perhaps the only inmate whose criminal record sounded like the title of a gospel album. And you have to admire the uniqueness of this whole thing. I mean, America has produced countless court cases that. That became kind of infamous. You know, we've seen defense and prosecution argue about taxes, argue about land, about politics, but only occasionally do we arrive at a dispute that boils down to, so how much church is. Is too much church. And I have to wonder if it could have. If it could have been avoided, the whole court thing, if they could have met halfway. Like, the city gives the church a decibel meter and says, here, use this, and if you see it go over X, you know, turn down your speakers. Maybe the church would have agreed not to test whether praise can be heard from outer space. Something where everybody wins. But somebody wrote in saying, this sounds like it would be a great TV episode of Law and Order called Special Worship Unit, which I thought was genius. That's hilarious. In the end, Pastor Johnny Clark made national headlines because he may be one of the few people in American history who could honestly say, I didn't go to jail for raising hell. I went to jail for raisin heaven. Okay. All right. While serving time at the Alvin S. Glenton Detention center, this is where God makes lemonade. Clark actually led Bible studies with other inmates who came to him and said, can you tell me about a relationship with God? Which I think is really cool. He said afterward, I never had any idea that I was going to go into jail and teach inmates. But that's what ended up happening. In the end. Clark had to serve only nine days of his 14 day sentence. And this story actually did have kind of a cool resolve to it because other people heard about it. And a pastor named Jamal Bryant from the Empowerment Temple in Baltimore, Maryland. So that's not even a state away. That's many states away. He heard about this story and how his fellow pastor ended up doing time for praising the Lord with A little too much volume. And he raised money for $4,200, this other pastor, Bryant, and gave it to the church in Columbia so that they could get soundproof windows and pay off other noise violations. Isn't that cool? It's kind of nice. The church that goes to 11. I got this from USA Today, WLTX TV and newser.com. i love my parish that Nancy and I go to, but as much as our music is very, very good, I've never thought, oh, we're gonna get complaints. No. Gonna get complaints for this. See, that's where you and I differ in one of many ways, I guess. I used to go to a church. This was many, many years ago. I think it was right before the pastor was arrested for embezzlement. We had an outdoor Maine. Yeah, in excess of a half a million dollars. Anyway, anyway, we. They had an outdoor picnic and they had a live band, and it was in a residential area, so it got really loud and. And the cops did show up. So I can honestly say I was at a church picnic that was busted by the fuzz. Busted by the fuzz. Wow. Yeah, that's gotta be kind of a suck assignment if you're the cop who's supposed to go up to the. Find the pastor and say, hey, buddy, can you turn it down? We're getting some complaints from the neighbors. And as it turns out, the copy cops should have stuck around. It would have saved him a couple of. Couple of drives. Another trip. Over half a million embezzled. They stopped counting at that, I guess, because the. It's harder to prove. And the. In the. The penalty was the same. Yeah. Yeah, I think he spent. I think he spent like six months in prison. Well, I wonder if he did Bible study with the other. Oh, he probably did. I hope so. Anyhoozle, that's my story for the week. JJ. I love that. I love it. I love it. Lifeguardallowendpodcast.com is where you can reach us, and we always love when you do. I lost my place in the script. What? Wait, we had a script? Why wasn't I saying? Well, we had one. Okay. The intern was supposed to deliver it to you. Sorry, that's probably my bad. Lifeguard@shallowinpodcast.com Even if we don't read your email on the air, we promise you, we read each and every one. And thank you for the people who have taken the time to do that. Continue, if you would, please. Do it for us. Make good choices. Your life might depend on it. But do it quietly. So concludes another episode of the Shallow End with Schnebly and Toff. We thank you for listening. Oh be a dear would you please subscribe to this podcast, give these boys a five star rating and think of something nice to say even if you have to make something up. And visit us online@shallow endpodcast.com okay, gotta go. Athletic Brewing Company crafts award winning non alcoholic beers for those who want to be part of every round. With over 185 flavor awards, they're exceptional NA beers that fit your lifestyle and any social occasion. Summer's full of good times and Athletic fits right in. Go to athleticbrewing.com to have brews delivered to your door or find them at a bar, restaurant or store near you. You near Beer Athletic Brewing Co. Fit for all times.