212: Dog Accidentally Fires Shotgun From Truck

Marvel Television's Wonder man. An eight episode series now streaming on Disney. A superhero remake. Not exactly what we'd expect from an Oscar winning director. Action. Simon Williams audition for Wonder Man. I'm gonna need you to sign this. Assuming you don't have superpowers. I'll never work again. If anyone found out, my lips are sealed. Marvel Television's Wonder man all eight episodes now streaming only on Disney. Ever wonder where Tropicana got its name? The tropics. And every time you enjoy a glass, you're not just drinking juice. You're taking a trip, stepping into sunshine and embarking on a flavorful journey into the tropics. Where ripe fruit is crafted into wildly delicious juice. And the best part, no passport required. Tropicana. Give life some juice. It began long ago. Two young boys in an American town riding their bikes to school and little league practice. Over the years, the boys became fast friends, united in their love for stories where things would go horribly wrong. Pour yourself a strong beverage and buckle up. You're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toff. This is the part, jg where I would normally open with a witticism of some kind or a wry observation and you're sorry. Observational. I got nothing. Really? No. I will say I am squeaky clean. I'm just out of the shower after a lovely three mile hike with the Mrs. And some yard work. Her sister is flying in tomorrow from the Twin Cities to join us for a week. And you would think the King and Queen of England are coming to visit. We are pretty much redoing everything in the house. Really? Really. New drapes. New drapes, color schemes, new furniture. Awesome. Wow. Two new cars. Well, we didn't get cars but actually didn't get anything new. But. But we have been since she's visited. Oh I'm going to say three, four months. Really? Yeah. So it won't be. She's not going to walk in and go, wow, you've really. You've redone things. Well, that sounds delightful. At least there will be no dust bunnies. That's true. It's always important in. I don't know about you, but I have allergies and whenever. And I use that to my advantage when have to clean. I'll start, you know, tidying up a little bit and then I'll act like my sinuses are stuffed up so cat will finish. They're very smart. I hope she doesn't listen to the show and discover your secret. The highlight of the coming week with Nancy's wife Nancy's sister Barbie is Nancy's pod partner. Steve, co host of from beneath the Hollywood sign, is taking us on. He has apparently like a half dozen different Hollywood tours that he gives to people who don' live here. Wow. And he gave Barbie a choice of like six, half, half a dozen, six, seven tours. And she chose the Charles Manson tour because she's way into true crime. And so I believe on Wednesday, Steve is going to take us on a guided Charles Manson tour of. Of Hollywood in the San Fernando Valley. I wish, I wish you and Kat could be here for that. Oh, no kidding. Yeah, I hear. Isn't that like the Cielo Drive house gone, didn't they? Yes, it's been apparently raised and replaced. Yeah. With something. Trent Reznor used to live there. Or of course he did from nine inch Nails. That would just make so much sense. It really does, doesn't it? I mean, it. It just tracks like he would walk in and go, oh, the vibes here are perfect. I'll take it. Yeah. Hey, hey, look. It's the original carpet. Yeah. Too soon too. Maybe a bit. Maybe a bit. Maybe a few more decades before we make good. Good lord. You know what? You could salvage this moment with a humorous story about people who make bad decisions. Well, I make no promises. Okay, man. But here we go nonetheless. All right. As you know, certain laws in the universe cannot be negotiated with gravity. Of course, the first one that came to mind. Time is another. Sure, sure. Somewhere near the top of the list is the fact that gasoline and fire have a very enthusiastic relationship. I have no personal knowledge of this, but I've seen enough bad TV shows, YouTube clips and movies to know that flame and gasoline should not be introduced to each other. This story comes from Australia, where police released serve surveillance video of what may be the most self defeating criminal ATT attempt in recent memory. According to the investigators, two individuals allegedly decided they were going to set fire to a fast food restaurant in the Melbourne area. Before we go any further, Lynn's, I do want to make it clear that number one arson is a terrible idea. And you know, and if you're going to do a terrible idea, you'd at least like to proceed in the general direction of how you intended. And, and I'm not really sure these guys, I don't know why they wanted to this restaurant down, but that was my first question. Were they hoping to get like free charbroiled burgers or something? I think there are easier ways than than that. The surveillance footage shows two people arriving at the Restaurant in the middle of the night, one of them begins pouring a flammable liquid around the entrance, later identified as gasoline. And everything appears calm on the video. Everything appears to be organized. You kind of look at the footage and you. And you think, wow, these. These people seem to know what they're doing. These are. These arsonists are practicing safety. But then comes the ignition, and the entire operation immediately falls apart. Okay. Yeah. Instead of the fire politely remaining where it was introduced, it flashes back toward the person holding the gas can. And in an instant, the suspect becomes the most interesting thing on fire in the immediate area. The video shows him taking off at full speed, because when you're fully engulfed in flames, the best thing you can do is run around, stop, drop, and roll. My ass. I'm hitting the road. That's. That's for sissies. So he takes off full speed. And when I say full speed, I mean the kind of speed that's normally reserved for people who have suddenly realized their pants are. Which, to be fair, he had. This is interesting, because you had a similar story a few episodes back where we were laughing about the fact that the guy was trying to outrun his own pants that were on fire. Yeah, yeah, that was a. The guy that lit a car on fire. Yeah, yeah. See, that's how I choose my stories. I just Google pants on fire. Yeah. Most of us spend our entire lives saying, someone has their pants on fire, but this man actually achieved it. He actually did. He actually did. The accomplice, meanwhile, appeared to realize that the original mission had been aborted. The restaurant was no longer a priority. Lands. Houston, we have a problem. My. The priority at this point was help my friend, who is currently a mobile bonfire. Now, the footage reportedly shows the second suspect chasing after him and helping him remove his burning clothing and throwing it in the street. Okay, now, imagine you're a neighbor. You live across the street from this restaurant, and you hear this commotion in the middle of the night, and you look out your window, and you see one person sprinting down the road. You see another person running behind them, a trail of flaming clothing in their way. At no point do you think, I understand exactly what's happening. You're absolutely right. That would never cross the sane person's mind. No. I would think if you had just been awakened by, you know, the said commotion, the noise going past your window, that you would have to be thinking, am I having a dream? Am I watching a guy run past the window with his pants on fire being chased by another guy whose pants are not on Fire. Yeah. You know, it's one of those moments that has to be where your brain goes. That's not really happening. But police later recovered the burning clothing from the area, including a scorched pair of pants. Which raises a question. How do you explain that laundry situation? Right. Somebody at the police department had to look at those pants. An evidence technician had to place them in a bag. Somebody had to write a report. You know, there's probably a likely official government document somewhere that essentially says exhibit A. Extremely unfortunate trousers. Yeah. A lab technician who. Who documents the amount of gasoline embedded into the denim or whatever the material is and. Exactly. Yeah. The restaurant itself suffered only minor damage. Well, that's good. Yeah, the pants took the worst of it, I guess. And what has to be one of the most Australian police statements ever issued joked that the suspect might be hoping Santa Claus would bring replacement underwear for Christmas. Well, that's a cheery way to put it. I love those guys. And you know, if you've reached a point in your life where law enforcement is publicly discussing your need for new underwear, the evening has not gone well. No, you should. You shouldn't have started with this in the first place. You have to be thinking to yourself, what makes this story especially funny is how quickly physics took control. People are very confident. Human beings are. Physics is never impressed. You can argue with a police officer or your spouse. You can argue with people on the Internet, although I don't advise it. But you cannot argue with a flash fire. The flash fire does not care about your plans or intentions. Your earlier point about certain things that are non negotiable, like gravity and time and the physics of fire science. Yeah, the flash fire probably looked at the situation and said, I noticed you've brought some gasoline to this situation. I have some ideas. Hold my beer. Yep. And then fire proceeds with those ideas. Now, the truth is that criminals losing battles with basic science is practically its own category in the news. There have been burglars that locked themselves inside the buildings that they were robbing. There have been thieves who posted selfies wearing stolen property. Fugitives who announced their location on social media. There have been suspects who searched online for phrases like how did police track people like the Internet never forgets. The fire stories are a special breed because fire is remarkably fair. It treats everyone equally. I was just going to say fire does not discriminate based on ethnicity, location, socioeconomic background, anything. Fire is only too happy to burn. Given any opportunity. You can be a guy whose career, criminal career lasts about 30 seconds in a situation like this fire evaluates everyone using the same criteria. Are you standing near something flammable? If yes, click yes. And if it is yes, things can get exciting very quickly. Watch this. And what's fascinating about this surveillance footage is that it captures the exact moment confidence leaves the person's body. At the beginning, there's purpose and they're all strutting around. Chefs puffed out. There's determination. And there is, for lack of a better term, criminal optimism. And then boom. Fire. Fire. Fire. Every long term goal vanishes. Every criminal objective disappears. Strategic consideration evaporates. The brain immediately returns to its factory settings. Run. That's the entire plan. Now, the good news is that no one was seriously injured. But the better news is the entire incident was captured on video for our entertainment. You'd assume that the flaming pants part was added for comic relief, but no, it's. It was, it was the main, the main issue for me. However, a screenwriter, if he put that in a movie, he'd be told that was too obvious. Yeah, yeah. People aren't going to buy that. An editor would say nobody's, nobody's going to believe the pants catch on fire. It's a difficult outcome to plan for. So let me, let me just close with a bit of advice. If you're going to pick a fight, you should probably avoid picking one with chemistry. Chemistry is undefeated. Story came from the Guardian lens. Of course I do. We loves us some Guardian. Oh, and the New York Post. Those guys, they cover all this crazy stuff. Introducing Taco Bell's new sweet and spicy jalapeno citrus salsa. Made with bright citrus and real red jalapenos. You can get it with anything on the Cantina Chicken menu for a delicious tangy twist to make all your faves instantly better. And while jalapeno citrus salsa is only available for a limited time, know this Jalapeno citrus salsa demands the spotlight. It's the sauce with main character energy. Get jalapeno citrus salsa with anything on the Cantina Chicken menu for a limited time only at Taco Bell at participating locations while supplies last. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for 15amonth plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate, first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com the email address is always lifeguard podcast.com A listener named Stephanie writes, I'm currently binging TSE while at work since I finally caught up with boo in episode 89. You talked about the guy that chugged 12 energy drinks in 10 minutes and ended up with severe pancreatitis where his pancreas was basically digesting itself. I think that was your story, wasn't it? So gross, isn't it? As soon as you said pancreas and trigger warning, I said out loud, quote, it was eating itself before you finished your sentence. Now I was struck by that Jethro. And I thought, how on earth would somebody know about that? And Stephanie politely goes on to say, My husband, only 36 years old at the time, spent three weeks in the hospital due to severe necrotizing pancreatitis due to decades. And then she goes into medical conditions and an extra duct for digestive fluids. And then she describes this, this God awful 3 week hospital stay that this poor guy endured, that she endured, being his wife. Yeah, and it's a, it's a, it's a long paragraph that made me queasy. So I'm just not gonna. Okay, I'm just not gonna read that part. Keep it to yourself, Lynn. Right. This will be just between Stephanie and Stephanie and me. She goes on to say, it's been nearly four years now and for the most part he's doing fine. Though pancreas pain will randomly flare up as part of its scar tissue now because it did start digesting itself back then. Despite all the time passing, this is what struck me in this email. I still have panic moments when he, her husband, feels sick. All the memories come flooding back and I can picture every detail of the hospital as if we were still there. And yes, it makes me cry nearly every time, including while I was at work when I heard your episode and of course while I'm writing this email. Oh, now I'm sure this, this is why we love Stephanie so much. She says, Now I'm sure you guys don't go into these stories trying to make anyone cry. Don't worry, I forgive you. I still laughed at this one and called the guy a dumbass as I listened to. Thanks for keeping me entertained and making my lawn work Days go by a little bit faster. As soon as I'm caught up with tsc, I'll start binging from beneath the Hollywood Sign Stephanie. So the lifeguard wrote Stephanie saying, I think Lindsay's gonna read this email. And because Lindsay gets kind of queasy easily, he's probably going to leave out the details of all the surgeries and the details. But, Stephanie, we are glad that you and your husband made it through. We are truly sorry that we made you cry at work, but we also hope that we make you laugh as well. And we highly recommend From Beneath the Hollywood Sign, as soon as you're done with Boo and Tse. Yeah, I feel badly that we made her. Me, too. Me too. But I have the perfect way to change her whole emotional state. Okay. A guy's pants caught on fire. There you go. How can you be sad? It's funny you bring this up because just on our hike this morning, Nancy and I were somehow talking about death. And she said, and, you know, no matter who it involves, death is never funny. And I said, well, except that story about the guy who broke into the wildlife preserve to shoot a rhinoceros and then he got trampled by elephants and eaten by lions. Except for his pants. That's still funny. And she said, you're right. That's funny. That's funny. Yeah. We have to make exceptions. Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise, this podcast would not be in business. You're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toth. Do you remember, jg, when I spoke last week in way too much detail about dirty cabbage? Yes. Yeah. Well, that, believe it or not, ties into my story tangentially for this week. Can I ask, have you ever heard of food from Nebraska? It's sort of like a sandwich. It's called a Runza. R U N Z A. Have you ever heard of that? I have not. Well, the Runza is maybe the most iconic food you will ever find in Nebraska. It is a baked yeast dough pocket stuffed with a savory filling of seasoned ground beef, cabbage, onions, and spices. And you can grab one of these at any one of the state's famous Runza restaurants. Now, I know several people from Nebraska who are gaga for Runzas, even though they no longer live in Nebraska. Buddy of mine, years ago at the gym I was going to in North Hollywood, was a trainer. He was from Nebraska. And every time he would fly to Nebraska, he would bring with him an empty suitcase. And on his on his way to the airport back in Nebraska, he would stop at a runs a store and get like 50 runs of sandwiches and throw it in the suitcase, fly back to LAX and then put them in the freezer and continue to feast on Runzas, even though he was. He was nowhere near Nebraska at the time. I love that commitment. And I was just on the runs a website yesterday and researching this story. And you can actually, for $200, you can order a dozen Runzas to be shipped anywhere in America, and they will overnight you a box of runs for 200 bucks. So I wish you lived here because I would say, are you in for 100? You want to get a. You want to. You want to split a dozen Runzes? They do sound pretty good, don't they though? Got gotta say. Well, I'm gonna make all this tie together in just a second. I want you to picture this just a few weeks ago. It's a quiet Saturday afternoon in Scotts Bluff, Nebraska. That is on the far western edge of the Cornhusker State. Now, the sun is shining, birds are chirping. The gas station hot dogs have been rotating on that same grill since probably the Eisenhower administration. In other words, absolutely nothing exciting is happening. And that's when a dog decides to become the first canine in Nebraska history to accidentally participate in. Wait for it. A drive by shooting. What? Wow. Okay, before we go any further, the good news is that nobody was seriously hurt. One woman that I'll tell you about in a minute did suffer a minor injury and fully recovered. But the story itself is so absurd that it sounds less like a police report and more like something that a screenwriter would pitch after drinking too much cough syrup. Right? Right. Now, according to police, a truck pulling a camper rolled into a convenience store parking lot. The store is called the Shortstop, which I thought was kind of a clever name for a convenience store. By the way, that's at 20th street and Avenue I in Scottsbluff, Nebraska. For those of you hovering over Google Maps trying to go through this in real time. Side note, Jethro, this is just a three minute drive from the nearest Runza shop at Broadway and 19th Street. What are the odds of this? Now, this story has nothing to do with Runzas, but I'm just so obsessed with this dirty cabbage and the Runzas that I wanted to point out that for a second in a row, I have managed to tie dirty cabbage or something similar to dirty cabbage into a story. And what's interesting is too much dirty cabbage can give you the Runzas. There you go. We'll be here all week. Ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to tip your waitress and bartender back to the convenience store. The short stop. Now, the owner pulling the camper stops. Passenger gets Out. Simple enough. And in the back seat of the truck pulling the camper was a dog. Now, we don't know much about this dog, but for whatever reason, I'm picturing he was a golden retriever named Duke, because I just love the name. And Duke had spent the entire road trip, I'm guessing, doing what dogs do when they are in vehicles, which is how they like to step on everything except the floor. He's standing on seat belts. He's stepping on snack wrappers. Maybe he's even accidentally figured out how to lower the window in the back seat. And every 15 minutes, he's sticking his nose out the window to try and smell every county in Nebraska simultaneously. Well, the truck stops, the passenger door opens. And Duke, being a good boy, thinks, excellent. We've arrived at whatever place this is. Time for maximum chaos. Duke begins pacing around the back seat. And here's where things go terribly wrong. Because someone had left a loaded shotgun. Oh, my God. Inside the vehicle. You heard right. A loaded shotgun just sitting there pointing any. Which dog looked at it and thought, this is probably not a chew toy. But I somehow can't. I can't. I can't keep myself from investigating this. Well, somehow, through a combination of bad luck, terrible judgment, keep in mind, it is a dog, so you can't really criticize him. And what can only be described as divine comedic timing, Duke manages to pull the trigger on the shotgun. My God. Boom. The blast goes through the passenger side door. Now, imagine being the passenger that has just gotten out of your truck. One second you're thinking about buying a Gatorade. The next second, your truck explodes. And at that point, you're not wondering what happened. You're wondering if you've accidentally joined some sort of action movie. Now, unfortunately, sitting nearby at a traffic light facing said parking lot, and Duke with the shotgun in the truck is a woman with her arm resting out the window. Obviously completely normal thing to do. She's probably thinking about dinner. Dare I suggest maybe stop at the local runza and take one home? Maybe she's wondering if she forgot to pay a bill, or did she leave the TV on, or she's listening to our podcast. We don't know. But suddenly, she hears an explosion and then feels something strike her arm, which turns out to be a shotgun pellet. Now, imagine trying to explain that. Later, the emergency room doctor walks in, says, what happened? She says, I was shot. And we didn't overhear the conversation, but we're guessing the doctor would have said, by whom? And she says, I Was a dog with a shotgun in a convenience store. Well, fortunately, it turned out to be a minor injury for that woman. Police officers were understandably called. In fact, it might have actually been the woman who's. Who owned duke who called 911. But police get there, and they do what they normally do in a shooting. You know, they. They put up the yellow emergency tape, the caution, stay back, police line, do not cross. And they quickly realize that this is not a criminal mastermind shooting. This is basically, you know, it's Duke with a stupid smile, probably slobbering against the window, panting happily, tail wagging, completely unaware. The officers are, you know, measuring the distance from the car to where the woman was sitting at the light. And you got a picture that if Duke had a thought bubble, he had to be thinking, so is somebody coming out with snacks or what? The most incredible part to me is that if this dog could talk, he probably have the same exact defense that a human would use, which is understandably, I didn't mean to do it. And for once, it would actually be true. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Firearms and vehicles require responsibility. Firearms and pets require responsibility. If your dog can accidentally recreate a scene from an action movie while you're inside buying jerky, something has gone wrong in the planning. It's safe to say a shotgun, particularly a loaded shotgun, just sitting in a back seat is a really terrible idea. And I would guess, though I haven't researched it, just knowing from laws in other states about firearms, that even in Nebraska, you are required to store the shotguns someplace where something like this couldn't happen. Like a gun rack. You know, a gun rack or a gun safe or a shooting range bag with zippers and locks. But, you know, labradors or golden retrievers are not known for trigger discipline. Fortunately, everybody survived. The injury was minor. Nobody was seriously harmed. But somewhere out there, I like to think that Duke is still riding around in a truck, sticking his head out the window, blissfully unaware that he briefly became the most wanted dog in local law enforcement history. Not because he was dangerous, not because he was evil, but for one glorious afternoon, he achieved something no dog should ever achieve, which is accidentally making both the evening news and the police blotter at the exact same time. I pictured Duke bragging to his. His dog pals about how tough he is. You know, hey, don't mess with me, man, if you don't bring me any treats. Yeah. You know, and he's got, like, a little. A little teardrop tattoo. Tattoo on his eye. Right, Right. Yeah. I once shot a woman at a stoplight just because I was bored. So deal with it. I want to thank Denise and Stephanie, listeners, for both sending this independent of each other and KNOP TV in North Platte, Nebraska for the story. Wow. Reminding me of the that adage about dog bites man is not news. Man bites dog, that's news. But if dog shoots man, that's news. That's news. Yeah. Yeah. I can't help but now the person that was in the truck, the owner of the shotgun and Duke, they got out and they went into the store. When this happened, they were not in the vehicle. Duke was still inside. The vehicle owner had just gotten out and shut his or her door. Okay. And then here's the blast and I'm guessing called 91 1, saying I can't imagine the horror that went through that person's mind. No. Kind of like when you were describing describing in your story the guy looking out the window and seeing two people running down the street, one of them with pants on fire. And the human brain trying to connect dots and making sense of what they're seeing. I would think if the. If the passenger side door of your pickup has just exploded with a sh. Shotgun shell, you gotta be thinking, what on earth is going on? What the hell just happened? Yeah. Yep. Anyway, don't ride your bikes on the roof, don't light things on fire, and don't give your dog a shotgun. Sound advice. Lifeguard@shallow endpodcast.com Love to hear from you. Looking forward to hearing from you if we haven't already. And until we do, or until next time, make good choices. Your life might depend on it. So concludes another episode of the Shallow End with Schnebly and Topf. We thank you for listening. Oh, be a dear. Would you please subscribe to this podcast, give these boys a five star rating and think of something nice to say, even if you have to make something up. And visit us online@shallow endpodcast.com okay, gotta go.