218: Naked Driver & Armadillo Revenge

It began long ago, two young boys in an American town riding their bikes to school and Little League practice. Over the years, the boys became fast friends, united in their love for stories where things would go horribly wrong. Pour yourself a strong beverage and buckle up. You're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toth. Well, good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, jg Do I get my choice? You get to pick today. All right. I'm going to pick good afternoon. Okay. Yeah. All right. That's what I'm going with. Final answer. I'm gonna go with morning. Just because mornings are my favorite part of the day. Okay. It's my least favorite part of the day. It's amazing to me that we've been friends for as long as we have been when. It's amazing that we met doing morning radio considering how much you hate mornings. So ironic. Yeah. I have to tell you, you did one hell of a keeping that covered up during your time on the air that deep down you were miserable and wish you were home instead of sitting behind a microphone. Yeah. I remember sitting in the parking lot outside the 4400 building on Broadway in Swan in Tucson. That's when KRQ was. Was in that building and just trying to give myself a pep talk to go in. And every morning it was just a struggle for me. Wow. So I'm happy to hear I was able to fool everyone. Yeah. Including, you know, the people sitting across. Across the board from you. Oh, my goodness. Well, you know, appreciate that. I have one hell of a shallow end story. All right. For you and our dear listeners. And I love it because it was something so stupid that I did on Friday of last week. Okay, let me set the stage for you. I'm two, three sips of Kirkland dark roast coffee in, and I have my wallet and car keys sitting on a chair in a little breakfast nook. And I go to reach for those things to bring them up to the table and only succeed in knocking them down onto the floor. So rather than just stepping away and thinking, I'll pick that up later, I thought, oh, I'll just get these right now. I bend down to pick these things up off the floor, and in the process of standing back up, I hit the top of my head on a bookcase against a wall with such force that Nancy, who is down the hall is still in the bedroom, says, what was that? Just as I'm yelling the F word louder than I think I've ever screamed it. Oh, my God. Do you know that feeling when you Hit your head. And it's not only painful, but there's that flash of anger that goes with it and also embarrassment for me. Deep embarrassment. I was talking about it with Nancy over the weekend, and I said, I'm not a doctor, obviously, or a physiologist or anything requiring any real education, but my guess is that God put that flash of anger when we hit our heads, because back in caveman days, that was really dangerous. Yeah, yeah. You might have just gotten hit over the head with a rock or bitten by a T. Rex, I don't know. But anyway, I stand up and I put my hand on my. On my scalp, and I. To try and, you know, hold it because it's hurting. And when I pull my hand down, my hand is covered in blood. Oh, no. And I run to the bathroom and get a paper towel, and as I'm trying to wipe it up, I see blood coming down my forehead. No. Which really freaked me out. And now I'm. Not only my. My scalp is throbbing, but now I'm wigged out, like, what the hell am I going to do? And try keeping, you know, a towel on it, paper towel on it with direct pressure. And Nancy Google's, you know, this incident, and it says, if you can't get the bleeding to stop in 10 minutes, you need to go to an ER. Yeah, yeah. So clockwise, forward. Half an hour later, I'm sitting in urgent care and I have brand new six staples in my scalp. Oh, wow. Put in six, count them, six. It's an inch and a half gash. And. And the guy, the. The doctor was just incredibly good and tremendous bedside manner. And he said, oh, I've seen a lot worse. And have you ever had staples in your head? And I said, no, have you? And he said, no, but I've done this a lot. Oh, that's good. You're going to be just fine. Yeah. Yeah. So that's Friday morning. Friday night, Nancy comes out to the living room to check on me and make sure that I'm, you know, still breathing. And she says, do you want me to take a picture of your staples? And I said, no, I really don't. I don't want to look at this. And she said, well, you'll always be my little Frankenstein, which I thought was. Was very sweet. Oh, that is adorable. So that's a shallow end moment. A tip to listeners. If you dropped something on the floor and bend over to pick it up, or when you do stand up, make sure there's nothing sticking out over your head that you might Whack it with the force of a baseball bat. Oh, man. Well, I'm glad you're okay. Thank you. I am. Lord, that's terrifying. Could have been a hell of a lot worse. Indeed. Which puts me in the mood for you to tell me a story. Does it? It sure does. It take a gaping head wound to motivate you sometimes. To get me to listen to one of your stories. Fair enough. That's what's required. Okay, well, one thing that I've learned about living in the south, as you know, we're in Florida, is that everybody has a different solution to wildlife. Some people relocate it, some people call animal control. Some people like cat say, well, I guess we have a possum now. And there's a very distinctly American approach of solving minor inconvenience. And that's with a firearm. Which brings us to a man in East Texas. Okay, now before we go any further, let's clear something up. He was dealing with wildlife, but it wasn't like a raging beast. He wasn't being charged at by a wild boar or a javelina. Do you remember the javelinas in Tucson when we were kids? Oh, sure. Remember? Remember when I lived up in, off of Skyline in the foothills? Gibbon Mountain? Mountain, yeah, yeah. And I would get up to go to work early in the morning and the javelinas didn't want any part of that. And they would chase my car down the road and I could hear the little hoofs cliff clicking on the pavement. Yeah, if. If you've never seen a javelina. It's, it's a. I would say it's a relative of the. The horned. Horned pig. Yeah, it's. It's a. It's like. It's pretty creepy looking. Yeah, it's terrifying. Anyway, this wasn't anything like that. This guy was dealing with an armadillo that was foraging in his yard. That's an animal, of course, that from a distance looks like somebody tried to build a possum with leftover medieval armor. Have you ever seen one in person? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They are hardy little guys. Again, creepy. And much like a javelina, they're odd little creatures. They wander around at night sniffing for insects. Their eyesight is terrible. They don't move particularly fast. If evolution were chase, where was casting like an action film? The armadillo would be the guy in the background carrying folding chairs. You know, you'd get it. You get a credit. Yeah, I got a credit for being one of those like, what do they call it? Atmosphere extras. Yes, yes. Background. Background actors. Yeah, Yeah. I got a credit as on the old Superboy show. That was filmed in Orlando. I was guy in blue shirt walking. Oh, how'd you do? I did well. I did. Really? Yeah. I wouldn't. Wouldn't expect anything else. So when this homeowner who lived near Marietta, Texas, spotted our armadillo roaming around in his yard before dawn, this would have been in 2015, he decided, I've had enough of this whole armadillo thing. Even though the armadillo hadn't broken into his house or attacked him, he was just simply there. But the guy would have none of it. He could have chased it away with a broom. He could have sprayed it with a hose. He could have accepted that the armadillo had as much right to wander through the yard as the squirrels do. And he never reacts that way to squirrels. Instead, he. He reached for a.38 caliber revolver. Wow. A.38. Because, you know, Texas. Exactly. That's some heavy weaponry. Yeah, that is. That's a beast of a beast of a gun. You have to admire the confidence. Imagine being that armadillo. You're just, you know, you're looking for beetles or whatever armadillos look for. Maybe you've had a productive morning already. You found a couple of grubs, things are going well. Suddenly this human appears, packing heat. The homeowner fired at the armadillo, then he fired again, and then he fired a third time, which, if you're keeping score, suggests the first two shots weren't particularly persuasive. And I'm wondering if. If the armadillo, I guess, would. Would feel that. But I don't know how protective that. What? I picture that plate of, well, a 30 armor. Yeah. Yeah, right. You're going to feel it. Yeah. But the third shot had a surprise ending somewhere during the impact. Whether it was it glanced against the armadillo's armored shell or hit another hard surface nearby, not really sure. But the bullet ricocheted, and the next thing you know, he was struck in the jaw by his own.38 slug. Oh, my Lord. Yeah, you're complaining about bumping your head. This guy shoots himself in the jaw with a.38. I wish to withdraw my earlier story about the, er visit. Never mind. Oh, man, that's. It's got to be one of those moments where your brain gets incredibly angry, right, Lyns? Oh, dear Lord. I can't imagine it. He pulls the trigger, there's a loud bang, and somehow he's bleeding. And that's not how Any of the diagrams work? The injury was severe enough. He was okay. He did. He didn't die or anything. But it was severe enough that he suffered a shattered jaw and had to be airlifted to the hospital where doctors wired his jaw shut. Now. Oh, my God. Have you ever had your jaw wired shot? No, I cannot say I have. I've heard it does change your perspective on things. I hear it's a great weight loss. Yeah. Technique mostly. I would think with your jaw wired shot, your future consists of just drinking your meals through a straw. Yeah. And that's, I guess, like you said, good for weight loss. But, yeah, that's. Oh, my God. Not a fun thing. Oh, dear Lord. So he's at the. The doctors. And as always, I have to speculate what the conversation was like, you know? Yeah. And whether or not he was just drawing out the incident on. On a sketch pad. Because he probably couldn't speak very well. Couldn't talk. Yeah. So what happened? I shot an armadillo. Okay. In my backyard. He shot me. Well, no, technically I shot me, but there were extra steps. That's my guy getting shot in the face. Character. East Texas guy. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. I like that. That's a conversation you only get to have once, Naturally. Reporters wanted to know what became of the Armadillo. Did the deputies recover it? Did it survive? Was it injured? Cass County Sheriff Larry Rowe gave us one of the greatest law enforcement statements ever recorded. Quote, we didn't find the Armadillo. It apparently wandered off. Case closed. I wonder if the Armadillo saw that happen and thought, serves you right, buddy. You wouldn't do that to a squirrel. Yeah, exactly. Went home to tell the wife. You know, you'll never guess what happened. See this dent? Sit down. I got a story for you. Yeah. I wonder what was going through the armadillo's head. Fortunately, not a.38 slug. But, you know, he probably didn't even register it as a victory. He would only remember it as an unusually loud breakfast interruption. Probably. Now, the story spread across the Internet almost immediately because people started saying armadillos were bulletproof, which is not the case. The shell is made out of bony plates called osteoderms. It's tough enough to discourage predators, but it isn't like superhero armor or a flak vest. Firearms experts have pointed out that ricochets are unpredictable. The bullet may have glanced off the shell, struck another hard object. Or simply hit at an angle that redirected it. No detailed forensic reconstruction was ever performed. Right. Like the JFK Shooting. And that somehow makes the story even better because nobody actually knows the exact geometry that produced one of the most embarrassing physics demonstrations in recent history. It's one of those incredibly unlucky combinations of angles, velocity and timing that turns an ordinary Thursday morning into a. Well, a permanent fantasy family story that you tell around the dinner table. I'm guessing he had to be standing pretty close. He must have been. Yeah. You know, this wasn't like 50 yards away. I mean, first off, the aim. Aim with a pistol, that's got to be, you know, a. A pretty short distance. Yeah. But, dear Lord, he's. He's lucky he wasn't killed. He really was. As is the Armadillo. Even more so. The real lesson here isn't that armadillos are indestructible. And it isn't that bullets bounce. And it certainly isn't that every wildlife encounter needs to become an action sequence. The lesson is much, much simpler. Nature has an incredible ability to humble us. Sometimes it's a bear, sometimes it's like a buffalo. Do you see that guy? Oh, in Yellowstone. Yeah. He got thrown, like, look, up in the air. Yeah, it looks like a special effects dummy. It really did. Yeah, I thought the same thing. He's lucky to be alive. Yeah, he is lucky. And every once in a while, it happens with an animal that's roughly the size of a loaf of bread. Wearing an armor suit, decorative one, but one nonetheless. The Armadillo did not give a statement lens. It never posed for photos. It did not try to cash in on the publicity. It wasn't clout seeking it. For all we know, it went right back to digging for beetles before sunrise, leaving behind one Texas homeowner, one very confused sheriff, and one of the greatest examples in modern history of a news headline that somehow becomes even stranger after you read the details. You can do that for yourself. It came from the Washington Post and also Reuters. Carry this story. God bless Texas. It's me, the Priceline negotiator. We don't need the jingle twice. What about a third time? Stop it. This is about vacation inflation and how Priceline negotiates amazing deals on hotels, flights and rental cars. Seems like they decided. Yeah, but I didn't mention that. You can save up to 60% off hotels in the Priceline app. Time to read the tagline. Fine. No one deals more deals than Priceline. Please stop Priceline. Touche. Priceline. Priceline. Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer? May I suggest your big wireless bill? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc, and a shocking twist where you realize you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint Story is better. Every plan $15 a month, even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending. Zero tears. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes me slow when an org is busy. Sea Terms the email address has not changed, and I don't think it ever will. Lifeguardallownpodcast.com Tim, who hails from Cleburne, Texas, writes hi guys, My family and I were laughing out loud recently at your story about the dog who fired a shotgun from within a vehicle. It reminded us of an event that happened to us a few years ago, though fortunately with much less potentially dangerous consequences. We were traveling between our homes in Mississippi and North Texas with our three small dogs when we stopped at a rest area in Arkansas. Because it was a warm day and we never leave dogs in an unoccupied vehicle, we left the truck running. After exercising the dogs, my wife went to the restroom while I waited in the vehicle. When I saw her returning, I stepped out of the truck to swap roles. Since the truck automatically unlocks all doors when placed in park, I wasn't worried about being locked out until the driver's door closed behind me. Immediately and with flawless timing, our rat terrier spot jumped into the vacant driver's seat and stepped directly on the door lock button. No. As the locks actuated, panic set in. We realized that not only were the keys inside the still running truck, but both of our cell phones were as well. We were stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way to call for help. I'm picturing if this were a film JG that it would start. It would be a crane shot that starts on the face of the guy locked outside his truck and then it would be a slow crane up to reveal just how really alone they are with three dogs sitting in an air conditioned truck with the engine running in, the doors locked. Yeah, I'm thinking of like an outtake from Fargo. Right? Right. Well put. While looking around for someone to lend us a phone, I decided to try getting the dogs excited so that they would jump around inside the Cab. After about 10 minutes of canine zooming, one of them luckily stepped on the unlock button, saving us from a potentially expensive and embarrassing Locksmith call. Oh, my God, that's hilarious. Needless to say, we are now much more careful when traveling with our pets. We love the podcast and look forward to hearing next week's misadvent adventures. Best regards, Tim and Beth from Cleburne, Texas. Thank you, Tim. That is something that has happened to me. Not quite like their experience, but I had a chocolate lab once who was just a big old bumbly bumblebee, did the same thing. Stepped on the automatic lock, locked all the doors. Fortunately, I was close enough to the house and I remember once seeing a guy open a door with a coat hanger. I've never tried that before. I never did. And I had no idea how to do it. But I figured, what are my options? So I go get a coat hanger and I ram it down inside of the window and I pull it up and everything unlocked. I couldn't believe. I couldn't believe it. Wow. So good for you. So next time, you know, you. You get stuck in your car, just give me a call. I'll walk you through. I have seen back in the day, locksmiths use something, a tool specifically built for that. Yeah, it's like a long, flat thing. Exactly. And I wonder if that even. If that even works anymore. Wow. Is that thunder? It's thunder. Damn. Yeah, yeah, wicked cool Thunder season here in. In Orlando. Wow, that was something cool. Reminds me of being in Arizona for monsoons. Very similar. You're in the shallow end with Schnebly and Toth. Well, I have a story for you, Jethro. Excellent. This took place just this last weekend. Picture being the Ellsville, Mississippi police dispatcher on a qu. Sunday night. It's actually just a few minutes before 10pm you're expecting the usual calls that come in from Elsville residents, such as a barking dog or somebody arguing over a property line. Maybe a raccoon that's made some questionable life choices. Instead, the radio crackles to life. Dispatch, we've got a vehicle on Hill street driving really, really slowly. How slow? Well, so slow. I'm starting to think the driver is delivering invisible newspapers. And what's the problem? Well, the driver's completely naked. Oh, no. Now, there are certain phrases officers never expect to say into a police radio. And completely naked is likely on that list. Sure enough, the officer flips on the lights and the car obediently pulls over. And at this point, everyone is hoping there is some perfectly reasonable explanation. Spoiler alert, there was not. Behind the wheel is a 22 year old woman named Caitlin Maxwell, wearing exactly what God gave her to put on when. When she came into this world naked as a jaybird, which, as every police officer knows, is not considered acceptable driving attire. Mississippi does have seat belt laws, but they really shouldn't have to remind any of the residents to please put on pants. Now. The officer approaches the window and immediately realizes the stressed traffic stops become one for the history books. He says, ma', am, I'm going to need you to put on some clothes. Now, imagine hearing that sentence, not license and registration, Please not. Do you know why I pulled you over? Just, could you please get dressed before we continue? That's probably not in any police academy's standard training manual. So Caitlin, to her credit, I guess, has clothes in the car because she does start to get dressed. And in this process, officers notice something else because she has rolled down the window. It's the unmistakable smell of the devil's lettuce, the mary jane, the ganja. Now, police have a reason. Dank fatty nugs. Devil's lettuce is still my favorite. I give you, you and kat full credit for that. Now, police, of course, have a reason to search the vehicle. And suddenly, this bizarre traffic stop goes from odd to. You have to be kidding me. Because inside the car, officers don't find just marijuana. They find multiple firearms. And then they look closer, and these aren't ordinary firearms. Investigators believe several have been illegally modified with conversion devices that make them automatically. You might have heard about this on. On the news and past stories. There are things highly illegal, highly dangerous that people can do to turn guns into essentially a small machine gun where you hold the trigger down and it just keeps firing bullets. So at this moment, every officer is probably thinking the same thing. I pulled this car over because it was driving too slowly. But it's amazing how often the weirdest arrests begin with the tiniest traffic violations. Narcotics investigators from the jones county sheriff's department are called in, and a sergeant named chase smith. Isn't that a great name? It's a great cop name, yeah. Cop named chase later sums up his evening in what has to be the understatement of the year. Quote, I got a call from patrol that ellsville had made a traffic stop on a naked female. Imagine being halfway through your dinner when the phone rings. The guy says to his wife, honey, I've got to go. What's wrong? And he says, honestly, don't know yet, but it apparently involves a naked woman. Investigators continue searching and discover even more suspected conversion devices on these firearms. One officer explains that these gadgets as I said, can make a pistol fire multiple rounds with one pull of the trigger. He also points out something that sounds like it should be, obviously, but apparently isn't, and that is, this ain't the movies. Yeah, Hollywood does make fully automatic pistols look cool. Reality makes them look like lots and lots of paperwork. Now, as the investigators are questioning Kaitlin, they learn that the car belongs to her boyfriend, a 24 year old named Sean Cooley. Now, the evening grows another chapter. Police obtain a search warrant for Cooley's residence because as the owner of the car they've just pulled over, they obviously have reason to believe that there could be illegal activity. If ever there was a case of probable cause, this would be it. In big 72 point Helvetica font, deputies arrive at Sean's house. He's not home. So they do what cops do, which is to wait. You have to imagine these deputies outside the house thinking, well, this has already been the strangest shift of my career. I might as well see how Act 3 ends. Sure enough, eventually Mr. Cooley pulls into the driveway. He apparently has no idea that the team of deputies is waiting for him. Surprise, surprise. It's kind of like coming home to a surprise party, except instead of balloons, everyone's wearing tactical gear. Deputies arrest him, and another search reportedly turns up additional modified firearms, parts for more conversion devices, and enough evidence to convince investigators that this collection is going to need some very careful examination. In fact, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives is contacted with a local gunsmith being consulted, and the suspected conversion devices are eventually sent to the Mississippi crime lab for testing. Now think about how this entire chain of events unfolded. If the car hadn't been creeping slowly downhill street, if officers hadn't noticed the erratic driving, if the driver had simply remembered one very important wardrobe item, like a dress or pants and a top, none of this might have happened. Instead, what began as one of the oddest traffic stops imaginable eventually uncovered suspected illegal firearms, prompted a residential search warrant, involved multiple law enforcement agencies, and landed both Ms. Maxwell and Mr. Cooley in the Jones County Jail. It's a reminder that life can change in an instant. Sometimes because you just made a bad decision. Sometimes because you made several bad decisions all at once, and sometimes because you decide that clothing is optional while driving a car allegedly carrying marijuana and a collection of suspicious firearms. As the old saying goes, never commit more than one crime at a time. In fact, if you're going to ignore that advice, at least put on pants. Hear, hear. Got this from Super Talk fm and Wdam tv. Wow. Wow. I labeled the story no Pants because I know that you and Cat find that one of your favorite words in the American vocabulary, Pants is just funny. Yeah, it really is. I always thought David Letterman's production company, Worldwide Pants, was just genius. It was. I love that about genius name. Yeah. Wow, that's something. You know, she must have been wicked high is the only thing I can think of guessing. And yet, you know, she. She was aware enough, she had senses enough at least to put on clothes when asked by the. By the cop to do so. It's just most of us would have thought maybe before I get in the car filled with pot and illegal gun parts. Don't worry, ma'. Am. We will fit you with a with a fetching orange jumpsuit. I think that you'll find jumpsuit the perfect addition to anyone's spring and summer ensemble. It comes with shiny bracelets. Lifeguard@shallow endpodcast.com maybe you hit your head on a bookshelf or did something equally stupid. Please share it with us. Doesn't have to be about you. You must have a sibling you don't like. Here's your opportunity. Yeah, to get even. For years and years of psychological sibling abuse. Lifeguardallownpodcast.com continue to make good choices. Your life might depend on it. So concludes another episode of the Shallow End with Schnebly and Toth. We thank you for listening. Oh, be a dear. Would you please subscribe to this podcast, give these boys a five star rating and think of something nice to say, even if you have to make something up. And visit us online@shallow endpodcast.com okay, gotta go.